Friday, February 27, 2015

WTF Sexual Harassment Stock Photos Of The Day

I don't see the problem here.

HONK HONK!

Nice yabos! Bud Man like!

Okay, okay, you can take Friday off.

At least you're not holding it over your dick again.
You tricked me good last year, you rascal!

You and your stupid beard have three seconds
to get off Facebook and print my fucking document.
Can I be of ASSistance?

I don't care if we're the only two Asians in the company.
That doesn't mean I'm going to pork you.

He just came out of the shitter.

Yes, mistress, I will be faster with your coffee.

I think I found your ferret, Larry.

I see your point.

Falling turd in 4...3...2...

It's all right, I'm a celebrity. I'm on Modern Family.
I have no idea what I'm doing.

DON'T LOOK AT MY TUCK-UNDER! IT'S HIDEOUS!

HARDER, BITCH! HURT ME.

Spoof Of The Day: Frozen Meets The Thing (NSFW)

NSFW for naughty language and cartoon violence. Enjoy!



Thursday, February 26, 2015

News: Stolen Animatronic Clown Found In Sex Offender's Home After Seven Years

I'm not sure which one of them got the worst of this deal.
Stolen Animatronic Clown Found In Sex Offender's Home After Seven Years

WICHITA, Kan., Feb. 19 (UPI) -- Police in Kansas announced they have recovered a $10,000 organ-playing animatronic clown seven years after it was stolen from a defunct amusement park.

Wichita police said Louie the clown, the animatronic organ-playing mascot of Joyland Amusement Park, went missing about seven years ago and was officially reported stolen in 2010.

Investigators said the case was kept alive by social media interest in Louie's plight and officers served a search warrant Tuesday on the home of Damian Mayes, a convicted sex offender and a former employee of the park, which was shuttered in 2004.

Mayes is currently serving a prison sentence for aggravated indecent liberties with a child and aggravated criminal sodomy and is not eligible for parole until 2028.

(read more)

Monday, February 23, 2015

Photo Of The Day: Brendadirk Cramplescrunch

#Oscars2015

Spoof Of The Day: Amazing Trivia About U.S. Presidents Almost Too Unbelievable To Be True

From McSweeney's.
Amazing Trivia About U.S. Presidents Almost Too Unbelievable To Be True

By Matt Passet

George Washington was made entirely of wood. (Not as uncommon as one would think for those times.)

Thomas Jefferson would take his breakfast in the bathtub and would subsequently bathe in the kitchen sink like a newborn baby. (Some Virginia Universities still incorporate this practice into fraternity initiations, referring to it as “Jefferson-ing.”)

Never actually elected, Benjamin Franklin was the President of the United States for three months in 1789. It was just a weird thing that happened. Nobody noticed at the time.

John Quincy Adams was inspired to be President not by his father as many believe but instead by Bill Pullman’s portrayal of a president in the 1996 film Independence Day.

Contrary to what most “historians” will tell you, Andrew Jackson appeared on the $20 bill BEFORE becoming President. In fact, it was his appearance on the bill that made him so popular amongst the electorate.

Millard Fillmore’s favorite newspaper comic strip was Cathy. Just kidding, it was Mallard Fillmore.

This one everyone now knows, but James Buchanan was actually one child standing atop the shoulders of another child, pretending to be a grown-up. They got away with it by always wearing long coats.

Like Josiah Bartlet and Andrew Shepherd, Rutherford B. Hayes is a fictitious President created by Aaron Sorkin.

Benjamin Harrison has never heard of you either.

A physical fitness fanatic, Theodore Roosevelt would stay athletic and sharp by hunting and killing one man every day of his presidency.

Woodrow Wilson single-handedly won World War I. You should have seen him out there, too. It was crazy.

Warren G. Harding thought he was applying to be President of his local Rotary Club, but once elected President of the United States, he figured he’d just roll with it.

Due to his popularity at the time, God made it so all babies, when they’re first born, look just like Dwight D. Eisenhower, a tradition which holds to this very day.

John F. Kennedy took his last name from the 1990s MTV VJ of the same name.

Gerald Ford referred to his administration as the “Ford Fiesta,” embracing the concept so fully, he purchased a brand new Ford Fiesta for everyone on staff.

Ronald Reagan’s S&M safe word was “jellybean.” He rarely used it.

(more here)

News: Naked Woman Stops Traffic, Masturbates For Horrified Onlookers

Florida. Naturally.
Naked Woman Stops Traffic, Masturbates For Horrified Onlookers

31-year-old Amie Carter took a bunch of unknown drugs and/or alcohol and strolled naked down an Orlando street until she faced off with a couple driving a Lexus. That's when her sense of self-romance struck and she began to masturbate, much to the horror of the of those inside the luxury vehicle, as well as those now stuck in traffic behind it.

After she "finished," she climbed onto the hood of the Lexus, stomped on the roof, and then threw her cell phone at the car behind her.

When cops arrived on the scene, it was easy to finger the culprit: they found Carter totally nude. In the police report, officers wrote that "Carter appeared to be under the influence [of] a heavy unknown substance."

They also wrote that "she appeared in an altered mental state, displaying extremely irrational and volatile behavior."

(read more)

Thursday, February 19, 2015

Animals Being Dicks (Of The Day), Vol. 2

Assholes with fur! From the blog. Volume 1 here.

GET IT OFF! GET IT OFF!

I'LL JUST BE TAKING THIS TO GO...

MINE... MINE... AND MINE

omg FIRE!!

FLUFFY'S FIRST TEABAG

Spike hates the French.

CONRAD! CONRAD! LISTEN TO ME! I'M LEAVING YOU.

This guy is nuts. I'd be all TAKE IT, IT'S ALL YOURS.

GOOD KITTY!


Appeal Of The Day: Save The Bros

You gotta love clever advertising, especially when it risks alienating its own customer base.



News: Punk Band Raising Money To Have Its Own Drummer Killed

He must really suck.
Punk Band Raising Money To Have Its Own Drummer Killed

St. Louis' long-running kings of shock-punk, Without Mother Fucking Order, have started a new crowd-funding campaign to have the band's drummer, Crash, killed. With a goal of only $100, it actually seems like one of the more fiscally feasible efforts of its kind.

From the GoFundMe page:
"Crash has gotten so old, that we at Without Mother Fucking Order Industries have decided it's best he be euthanized. We have waited 16 years for him to die of old age, but recently discovered that he is a Highlander much like Connor MacLeod, and the only way he can die is by decapitation."

The members of the band envision a sort of head-ripping-off machine with which to get the job done. "We tried to cut his head off with a sword," vocalist Captain Perverto says, "but everyone at W.M.F.O.I. are a bunch of nerds who only have those cheap Samurai replicas."

(read more)

Tuesday, February 17, 2015

LOTD Classic Of The Day: Movie Clichés

Some of these are from Roger Ebert, some are my own.


The Bar Fight Rule
When a fight in a bar breaks out, nearly everyone in the place begins fighting, spontaneously and without cause -- even with people they’ve have been sitting next to for some time.

The “Heroes With Clippings” Rule
Movie heroes always keep a file of newspaper clippings that detail their downfall. They like to pull out this file and go through the clippings again from time to time, just to refresh their memory. Often they will pay special attention to one clipping, at which time we will be shown a flashback to the event in the article.

The Alarm Clock Rule
If an electric clock is given a close up, it will be either twenty-nine minutes past the hour, or one minute to the hour. The time will progress one minute, waking up the hero with a song that is important to the plot. (Groundhog Day, Back To The Future)

The Lurch Awake Rule
If you are a movie character and you have a bad dream, you can’t just wake up by opening your eyes. No, you must sit up quickly, sweaty, eyes bulging, mouth agape.

The Girl Back Home Rule
In a war movie, the guy who shows the hero a picture of his girl back home and says, “I’m gonna marry her when all this is over” – that’s the guy who’s as good as dead in the next scene. It’s the war movie equivalent of red shirts in Star Trek. (Platoon, We Were Soldiers). Ditto the guy who carries a letter to his family and asks his buddy to mail it for him in case he dies. Goner. (Saving Private Ryan, The Thin Red Line)

The Baguette Rule
Any time a movie character is shown walking home with a bag of groceries, the bag is paper and contains a tall, fresh baguette –- which flies in the air when the character has to jump out of the way of a car driving down the sidewalk.

The “We've Been Expecting You” Rule
Whenever a hero fights his way into the villains fortress, escaping multiple assassination attempts, he will be caught and taken to the villain, who will invariably greet him with, "We’ve been expecting you." (most Bond movies)

The “It’s Quiet” Rule
Anytime characters are in a perilous situation and one says, “It’s quiet,” someone else will invariably reply, “Too quiet.”


The Rainy Epiphany Rule
The best way for a movie character to demonstrate that he has had an epiphany or dramatic change of heart is to stand outside in a heavy rain shower and lift his face and arms to the sky. (The Shawshank Redemption was the first, I think, but it has been copied many times by others like Cuba Gooding in Instinct).

The "Tell Me Where You Are And I'll Come And Get You" Rule
Telltale line that finally makes obvious to everyone (except the hero) that the hero’s trusted friend or supervisor has gone over to the bad guys. (F/X)

The Media Coverage Rule
All media coverage depicted in a movie will prominently feature the main character, no matter how incidental his or her involvement is to the big story. His picture makes Page One, and CNN thoroughly documents his simple presence in a crowd. (Godzilla -- TV news reports pass up footage of a giant rampaging lizard in favor of shots of Matthew Broderick carrying his luggage, digging a hole, etc.)

The Angelic Priorites Rule
Modern movie angels mostly seem to visit earth in order to smoke cigarettes, eat pizza, and show what regular Joes they are. Although famine, war and disease torment the globe, these angels visit to solve more pressing problems, like a guy who has stopped dating because he’s lost his faith in women or a sports team that needs to win the big game. (Michael, It’s A Wonderful Life, Angels In The Outfield)

The Movie Lot Rule
Any scene that takes place at a movie studio lot will feature costumed extras milling about, including at least two of the following: a knight, a cowboy, a man dressed as an Arab, a Marilyn Monroe lookalike, an alien, Roman soldiers, Abraham Lincoln, Napoleon, or women in a scanty slave-girls costumes. (spoofed in Pee Wee's Big Adventure)

The Big Names Rule

When an entire trailer or poster for a movie consists of the names of the two stars, as in STALLONE-STONE or WESLEY-WOODY, this suggests that getting those two names represents most of the films budget, and that funding a good script was a lower priority. (The Specialist, White Men Can’t Jump)

The Bilingual Nazi Rule
Nazi officers always speak English when talking to each other, even though Nazi sergeants can be heard in the background barking orders in German. (any classic WWII film)

The Late Pregnancy Rule
Any character more than seven months pregnant will give birth by the end of the film, usually in an unusual place, such as an elevator, a cemetery or the back seat of a taxi in a traffic jam. The baby is always delivered by someone squeamish and inexperienced.


The Wet Dog Rule
All wet dogs shake themselves dry only while standing next to well-dressed movie characters. If the dog is huge and especially dirty/muddy, the shake will be shown in slo-mo. (Beethoven)

The Shattered Vase Rule
Anyone holding a vase, glass, coffee mug or other breakable object will drop that object upon hearing bad news. Usually the object will fall and shatter in slow motion, typically from multiple angles.

The Discarded Newspaper Rule
If you time-travel in a movie and aren’t sure what year it is where you land, just look for a trash can, where you can always find a discarded newspaper with the date. (Back To The Future)

The Chinatown Rule
In any Asian city, or any city with a Chinatown, all chase scenes happen to occur on Chinese New Year, and lead directly through a parade.

The Hospital Rule
If a hit man has to kill someone in a guarded hospital room, all he has to do is into a linen closet, emerge wearing a lab coat and carrying a clip board (both freely available in any hospital linen closet), and walk around the hospital as if invisible.

The Psychotic Collage Rule
Psychotic stalkers sublimate their destructive impulses by creating a collage of newspaper clippings, candid photos and charcoal sketches of their victims, and maniacal scribblings or poems scrawled on paper. This collage is glued to the wall of the psycho’s one-room apartment, to be found by police officers bursting in just after the stalker has fled, letting them know exactly what the killer is up to. (Se7en, In The Line Of Fire)

The Karma Rule
The more detestable a movie villain is, the more gruesome his ultimate death will be. (Terminator crushed in The Terminator, Billy Zane shot in the mouth with a flare gun in Dead Calm, Ronny Cox’s head bulges and explodes in Total Recall, Tony Goldwyn impaled by falling broken window pane in Ghost)


Got any others?

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