Thursday, January 29, 2015

Spoof Of The Day: Snickers Brady Bunch

Oh how I love this.



Dimly Lit Meals For One Of The Day

Sad food with commentary. From the Tumblr blog.

Video Of The Day: The Decemberists Sing YouTube Comments

From Jimmy Kimmel Live.



News: Drunken Bar Patron Relieves Self On Waitress From Balcony

Maybe she was on fire.
Drunken Bar Patron Relieves Self On Waitress From Balcony

JANUARY 27--Even in the freewheeling nightspots of Key West, Florida, a patron is not allowed to urinate onto a waitress from a bar balcony.

According to police, that is what Orion Jones, 20, did early Saturday morning at Rick’s, which bills itself as the island’s largest bar complex.

A Key West Police Department cop was flagged down at 2:20 AM by a Rick’s worker due to a man “who was urinating on a female staff member from the balcony above.”

When officers first confronted Jones, he was fighting with club security in the street. Jones subsequently fled from cops after he was released by security, but was eventually handcuffed after twice being tased by officers.

Waitress Tia Cruz, 26, told police that she was talking with a customer when she “began feeling something wet on her body.”

Cruz initially thought it was raining, police noted, until a fellow employee “pointed out Jones and said he is peeing on you,” according to a police report.

(read more)

Wednesday, January 28, 2015

LOTD Classic: Snarktastic Store Nicknames Of The Day

Nicknames for some of my favorite retailers. Some I made up, others I heard (from you, in some cases, the other times I posted this). If I slam your favorite eatery or store, here's a tissue. I hate the word eatery, btw.

Got some of your own? Let's hear 'em.
RED LOBSTER
Dead Lobster
Led Robster
Fish Stickster

POTTERY BARN
Robbery Barn

CRACKER BARREL
Crapper Barrel
Honkey Bucket

APPLEBEE'S
Crapplebee's
Applebutt's

OLIVE GARDEN
Ketchup & Noodles

McDONALD'S
Rotten Ronnie's
McSquat
Burp
Old McDonald's (what my kid called it when she was little)

KRYSTAL/WHITE CASTLE
Sliders
Colon Blow

WAFFLE HOUSE
Awful House
Awful Waffle
The Hungry Bastard (ask for some booger bread on the side)
TARGET
Tar-Jay
Heaven

SUBWAY
Suckway
Sandwich Artist's Colony
Blandwich

PIZZA HUT
Pizza Slut
Pizza Butt
Pizza the Hutt
Cheese On A Cracker

WAL-MART
Wally World
Aisle Of Cram
Hell
Always Screaming Babies. Always.

FUDDRUCKER'S
Pudfuckers
Buttfuckers

CHILI'S
Willi-Nilli's
WHOLE FOODS
Whole Paycheck
Whore Foods

BED, BATH & BEYOND
Bed, Bath and Beyond My Budget
Bed, Bath and Behind

MAJIK MARKET
Tragic Markup

NEIMAN MARCUS
Needless Markup

DENNY'S
The Roach
Drunky's

TOYS 'R US
We Be Toys

HOME DEPOT
Home Despot

LOWE'S
Slow's
Blows
RESTORATION HARDWARE
Fistoration Hardware

OUTBACK STEAKHOUSE
Steakback Outhouse

STEAK & ALE
Ache & Stale

ARBY'S
Barfby's
I'm Thinkin' Diarrhea

TACO BELL
Taco Hell
Toxic Hell
Taco Smell
Make A Run For The Toilet

STARBUCKS
Starbutts

BABY SUPERSTORE
Baby Pooperstore
JACK IN THE BOX
Yack In A Box
Jack In My Box
Jack In The Crack
Gag In The Bag

FRIDAY'S
Flair

CHIK-FIL-A
Chicken Jesus

PUBLIX
Pubelicks

PIGGLY-WIGGLY
Hoggly-Woggly

PUBLIX + PIGGLY WIGGLY =
Wiggly Pubelix

DAIRY QUEEN
Scary Queen
Hairy Queen
Dairy Squeeze

DUNKIN' DONUTS
Drunken Dognuts

Tuesday, January 27, 2015

Craigslist Ad Of The Day: Kiss My Ass, Mother Nature

best of craigslist > spokane

Kiss my ass, Mother Nature

When I met Aunt Flow 20 years ago, she showed up unannounced, unexpected and unwelcome on Christmas Eve. Mom, in her infinite wisdom, had bought a box of Kotex a year before in anticipation of her daughters becoming women. But my sister and I had dumped blue mouthwash on all of them to see if they'd work like they did in the commercials. (They didn't.)

Mom also decided that at 10 o'clock at night this would be just the BEST time to get in some father/daughter bonding. So off Dad and I trekked to Walgreens, making every effort not to look at each other or speak.

When we arrived, one of his coworkers was there getting some last minute gift and OF COURSE he wants to chat. Meanwhile, Dad leans over and whispers "Why don't you go get your. . .uh..your. . .your lady items." Thanks, Dad. Then the cashier lady smiles and says, "I think it is just so sweet that you're here buying this for your daughter. That is just so sweet."

Lady, I am begging you, please, just STFU.

Ever since then, Mother Nature spends one week lovingly crafting a home for a fetus. And every month, she gets righteously pissed to find that I have no need for such accommodations.

At first, she starts with the passive aggressive bullshit. I balloon and my pants don't fit. I retain water like the fucking Hoover dam. It doesn't matter what I do or don't do. I avoid salt, even though I'm craving so much salt that I could consume all of the salt in the Utah mines and ask for more.

Then, she decides we're going to revisit puberty and my face breaks out. Oh yeah, that's fun.

And then, AND THEN...the fun REALLY BEGINS.

(continued)

LinkWithin

Related Posts with Thumbnails