Wednesday, January 29, 2014

Hilarious Delivery Room Quotes Of The Day

Tales from doctors, midwives, husbands and other people who were there. From this thread on Reddit.

- My wife during labor: "THIS FUCKER BETTER BE WORTH IT!"

- My sister said she told the doctor as he sutured her episiotomy, "Sew it up all the way, doc. We won't be using it anymore."

- From the birth of my son:
WIFE: "(pant pant pant) I can smell poop, did I poop?"
ME: "No honey, everything looks fine, just relax"
WIFE: "UUuAAaagggGHhHh (pant pant pant) You're a terrible fucking liar! Why can't you lie better?!"

- My ex-wife looked down and said "I'm having a puppy"

- Another mother, after delivering a little boy, said "No, that's wrong. Check again! It's supposed to be a girl. There's been a mistake."

- ME: You're doing great, honey.

- While going through an extrememly long and strenous labor with my brother, my mom told the doctor to "burn all the Elvis records."

- My dad was holding my mom's hand, spouting off random comfort. She looked him dead in the eye, face red and eyes bulging, and said: "Don't. Fucking. Tell me. WHAT. TO. DO."

- My wife said "Yay! BBQ tonight!" when she delivered the placenta.

- When the doctor told me to start pushing, apparently I said (I don't remember this), "No! I changed my mind! I'm not doing this!"

- Wife was in labor for 8 hours. About 5 hours into it I ask her "Do you want anything from the lounge?" Normal question. Had been bringing stuff for her, ice chips and that. She looks at me in the middle of a contraction and snarls "Talk to me again and I will FUCKING KILL YOU WHERE YOU STAND..."

- My wife during a grueling labor: "THE NEXT ONE IS COMING OUT OF YOUR DICK!

- When I had given birth to my daughter, just as she was put on my stomach, I look down at her and I said. "Is that mine?"

- My son was not cooperating and the doctor had to turn him. So I'm laying there while the doctor reaches up in me and what came to mind came out of my mouth: "I have officially decided that I do NOT want to try fisting."

- Me, during a particularly painful contraction: "I am a Klingggggggonnnnnnn! Aaaagh!!!"

- I was a friend's 'labour coach' and during one contraction she grabbed her husbands testicles and squeezed the ever loving FUCK out of them! The Doctor and I had to pry her vice-like gripped fingers from his bruised nutsack.

- When my mum was giving birth to my sister, after several hours of pushing, she screamed at the doctor to 'PUT A GUN UP THERE AND SHOOT IT.'

- When my mum gave birth to me, she wasn't allowed to eat anything and was in labour for 22 hours. For the last bit when she was actually giving birth, they said she kept screaming "I WANT A CHEESE PIE!"

- I used laughing gas and during a contraction accidentally pinned my arm under me pressing the mask onto my face, I breathed in too much and my husband said I looked like cookie monster screaming "too ...much... gas!"

- Apparently before going into labor my mother watched The Fly. After days of trying she finally got me out (sunny side up and with only two vessels in my cord) and the first thing she said when she held me was, " Oh God it's a maggot." They had wrapped me in a white blanket and I guess I was pretty squirmy.

- "CAN SOMEONE SHUT THAT WOMAN UP?!" I yelled this at my doctor after getting very annoyed at the woman across the hall, who was also in labor screaming.

Anyone else have a good delivery room story?


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