From The Onion.
Ovulation Calendar Just The Ticket For Rekindling Couple’s Lagging Sex Life
LOS GATOS, CA—Saying they felt like young lovers again, local husband and wife Jon and Sarah Nickoloff told reporters Wednesday that their use of an ovulation calendar in order to maximize the likelihood of conception has proven to be just the ticket for rekindling their lagging sex life.
The childless couple said their decision to attentively monitor Sarah’s menstrual cycle in order to pinpoint those days in which intercourse is most likely to lead to pregnancy has injected a level of fiery passion and unbridled sexual energy into their relationship, reportedly allowing them to experience previously unattained heights of carnal pleasure.
“I used to worry that the spark had left our marriage, but ever since we started having sex according to a rigid, preset schedule that we map out weeks in advance, we haven’t been able to keep our hands off each other,” said Sarah, 37, adding that carefully charting the narrow window in which her cervix is most receptive to her husband’s sperm never fails to drive both of them wild with desire.
“Now that we feel an earnest obligation to make love as often as possible during that monthly 72-hour window in which it’s most feasible for me to conceive, we’ve been going at it like a couple of frisky teenagers. I swear, sometimes we have silent, mechanical sex three, even four times a day now.”