This is a thing now? Adult kickball? I guess softball was too difficult. From McSweeney's.
By Spencer Ham
First baseman who broke down social barriers in 2004 by becoming the first ever Adult Kickball League player who didn’t have a background in marketing.
All-time winningest coach whose fiery relationship with umpires earned him the reputation of being an adult man who had more emotional stake in a children’s recess game than the outcome of 200 kidnapped African girls.
Outfielder who played a record 1,285 consecutive games with the Brooklyn Cronuts. During this grueling period, he battled multiple injuries and a nagging inner-voice that reminded him he moved to New York to become a working actor.
AKA “The Asshole,” a nickname he got from pitching a ball with a lot of top-spin. His “I’ll do anything to win, even if that destroys the collective fun of those who payed exorbitant league fees to play” attitude helped him become the all-time strikeout leader with 24.
Player/coach who was an early pioneer in brokering team discounts with local bars. His landmark deal at McGee’s that awarded his team two free domestic beer pitchers and half-off appetizers/entrees set the precedent for today’s teams filled with self-entitled twenty-somethings.
Defensive wizard known for his aggressive style of chucking the ball at opponent’s heads, even in force-out situations. His career was tragically cut short in 2006 when he fractured both legs after his buddy’s Jeep turned over on him at a Dave Matthews Band concert.
Obligatory woman inductee. Not much is known about her. She was a co-worker of Dan’s or something?
Although his career numbers are nothing special (1 HR, 8 RBIs, .250 OBP), he was behind some of the game’s most popular team names, including “Ballz Deep,” “Suck My Kick,” “The Lindsay Brohams,” “Free Ballers,” “I Am Kick James, Pitch” and “We’re Going To 69 The Score Because That’s Our Favorite Sexual Position We Like To Perform On Your Mother.”