Thursday, July 24, 2014

Monologue Of The Day: I’m the Guy Who Ties the Scarves Onto Steven Tyler’s Mic Stand

From McSweeney's Internet Tendency.
I’m the Guy Who Ties the Scarves Onto Steven Tyler’s Mic Stand

By Lukas Drake

When people ask me what band I “tie” for I always jokingly say Slipknot but I’ve been Aerosmith’s official scarfsmith for longer than I can remember. Actually don’t remember much. A lot of decades of partying with the band’ll do that but it’s funny that something as stupid as wanting to add pizzazz to my heroin tie-offs could turn into a job.

Point is, no matter how long I been doing this or how I got into it people just think I grab any old thrift-shop rag and casually fold up a doubly slipped reef knot onto Steve’s mic stand, hand it to him, and I’m done. You think I got these twisted up tree branch fingers from years of rubbing down groupies backstage with all the free time on my hands? I don’t have free time on my hands; I’ve got callouses.

Out of all the stage crew I’m the first one up and the last one to go to bed. The amount of ironing alone’d drive most people to quit. It’s a ton of work and a huge responsibility.



  1. Hahahaha! I guess I never realized how important it is to have a colorful mic stand! :D



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