Thursday, July 17, 2014

20 Love Songs We Never Want To Hear Again

"We" being Rolling Stone, though I agree with all their choices.

CHRIS DE BURGH, "LADY IN RED"

It's kind of fitting that this song was a hit in 1986, the height of the greed-is-good, conspicuous consumption Eighties; it's the ultimate trophy-wife ballad (barely edging out Eric Clapton's "Wonderful Tonight"). The fake-glitz muzak sound is perfect for a cheaply sentimental song about a guy whose appreciation of the woman beside him seems to work in direct relation to how many other guys hit on her at a party.

EXTREME, "MORE THAN WORDS"


With their Rapunzel hair and chiseled cheekbones, you wouldn't kick Extreme out of bed for eating crackers. But you might kick them out of bed for being assholes. "More Than Words" packages metal-creep chauvinism in sensitive acoustic shrink-wrap. "'I love you' is not the words I want to hear from you," they sing. What is the words they want to hear?

BAD ENGLISH, "WHEN I SEE YOU SMILE"
When Journey went on hiatus toward the end of the Eighties, keyboardist Jonathan Cain and guitarist Neil Schon formed Bad English with John Waite of the Babys on vocals -- and went on to achieve levels of cheesy terribleness their other band had barely approached. No blow-dried power ballad ever did it bigger, dumber, emptier or gloppier than "When I See You Smile," a love letter to a girl who never forgets to bring an umbrella along on dates ("And when the rain is falling, I don't feel it 'cause you're here with me now").

JOE COCKER, "YOU ARE SO BEAUTIFUL"

Allegedly dashed off by Beach Boy Dennis Wilson and fifth Beatle Billy Preston at a party, this song makes you wonder what those two were huffing. A longstanding punchline for exaggerated sitcom courtship routines, it strings its clichés – "a guiding light in the night," "heaven's gift to me" – around a title refrain qualified by "to me," like the shameless singer is hedging his bet.

JOHN MAYER, "YOUR BODY IS A WONDERLAND"


Riding a featherweight groove with barely enough reggae bump to catch a second-hand buzz, this teddy-bear come-on tosses out greeting-card metaphors ("porcelain skin" is lazy, but "bubblegum tongue"? -- c'mon, dude), then lapses into a fluff-jazz instrumental break that might put even Katy Perry to sleep. As midday hook-up anthems go, give us "Afternoon Delight" any day.

JAMES BLUNT, "YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL"

"My life is brilliant," declares James Blunt. Good for you, man – but your song is wack. When it comes to the squishiest unrequited love ballad of the 21st century, it's tough say what's more annoying: the drama-queen stalker lyrics, the whiney vocal tone, or the syrupy melody. And that's not to mention the ridiculous beefcake video, where Blunt strips in the snow and then jumps off a cliff---an act that might feel more tragic if it wasn't shot like an underwear ad.

ONE DIRECTION, "LITTLE THINGS"
On this acoustic valentine (written by Fiona Bevan and Ed Sheeran), the teen-pop gods congratulate themselves for loving you despite your manifest imperfections. Harry Stiles sings: "You never want/To know how much you weigh/You still have to squeeze into your jeans/But you're perfect to me." Well, not perfect perfect. More like, ya know, fat. Harry, your depth frightens us.

DAVE MATTHEWS BAND, "CRASH INTO ME"

Dave Matthews has always had kind of had a sex-panther side, and there's nothing wrong with that. But his most popular love song obliterates the fine line between sexy and icky. The melody is pretty, the passion undeniable, the vocals fragile and hopeful. But when he sings, "hike up your skirt a little more and show your world to me," he suddenly flips from sweet singer-songwriter to pervy happy hour stalker.

What other songs belong on this list?

(See the rest here, which include songs from Elton John, Phil Collins, Celine Dion, Stevie Wonder, Jewel, 'N Sync, and more)

6 comments:

  1. I might suggest adding the Piña Colada Song by Rupert Holmes.

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    Replies
    1. Yes, exactly the one I was going to suggest as well. I'm tired of you, but since you're tired of me too, we must be in love !?!!?

      Shouldn't have drunk so many of those PC's before you wrote this Rupert.

      Delete
  2. I agree with the list except I do have a sentimental attachment to "Longer" by Dan Fogelberg. I don't especially love it, but it brings back a very sweet memory when I hear it. :)

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  3. I can't help but love "Longer," too. Anything by Jewel goes into the Nope bin for me, and "Hero" by Enrique Iglesias makes me want to puke. It's all about him and his whiny need for acknowledgment. And although my husband and I had some sweet moments to the background tune of "Crash," when I hear that song these days I just feel uncomfortable.

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  4. Add the Righteous Brothers and we have a winning list!

    ReplyDelete

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