Thursday, April 17, 2014

8 Household Objects You Can Eat To Stay Alive (Of The Day)

Can. Don't go eating your shoes if you don't have to.

From Survival Goods: "Visualize this scene. The worst has occurred. You’ve been locked in your own home. Be it by a forgetful partner or a SAW-like psycho, you’re now a prisoner within your own four walls. Furthermore, having forgotten to do the weekly shop, the cupboards of your domestic gulag are bear. Don’t worry though; we’ve compiled this helpful list to ensure you’ll survive the ordeal."

With any luck the architect of your incarceration is an animal lover and thus in some dusty cupboard you’ll find food fit for a beast. Both dog and cat foods contain most of the essential vitamins and minerals required to sustain life.

In the majority of households the largest stockpile of underutilized nutrients will be found amongst the trash: old apple cores, half eaten cup cakes, and perhaps even a potato peeling or two. Be sure to keep any tangerine skin you find, as nibbling it helps to alleviate nausea, something you’ll no doubt experience as your ordeal continues.

The lowly house plant, that oft neglected outpost of nature’s kingdom, can usually be found in even the grimmest of human habitations. The most common house plant in the western world is the Yucca, a fortunate occurrence as its root is a Central American delicacy. It can be cooked like a potato, made into porridge and is the main constituent of tapioca pudding.

As you might suspect Leather, given its animal origins, is indeed edible. Although you can technically bite straight into that hide and start munching away we recommend you deep fry your leather, it’ll produce something akin to everyone’s favorite Friday night snack: Pork Scratchings.

Oven grease is nothing more than the oils accumulated from spill and slips during cooking, making it perfect for frying up that Yucca plant root or used, with our next item, as the basis of a tongue tingling sauce.

Consumption of toothpaste in large amounts is, due to high levels of Sorbitol (laxative), Sodium lauryl sulfate (soap foam) and fluoride, very dangerous and should not be attempted by anyone. It can be used, however, in pea sized amounts, as minty condiment or after dinner treat.

Currently most soap is manufactured using vegetable oils; subsequently if it is ingested it will provide a small amount of nutrition. When consumed in large amounts, however, soap has laxative effects.

All three items in this family are formed of the same universally useful material, cellulose. Depending on the robustness of your digestive system, you may be able to break down these fibers and extract some nutrition. Serve drenched with oven grease and toothpaste sauce.

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  1. Lord knows I've enjoyed a paint chip or two as a child and LOOK HOW GREAT I TURNED OUT.

  2. It's almost lunchtime, but suddenly I'm not very hungry after all. =)

  3. Furthermore, having forgotten to do the weekly shop, the cupboards of your domestic gulag are bear.

    But couldn't you eat the bear????

  4. What a coincidence, we had oven grease and toothpaste sauce for dinner tonight!



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