Wednesday, March 5, 2014

What Your Favorite Classic Rock Band Says About You

From McSweeney's Internet Tendency.

What Your Favorite Classic Rock Band Says About You

By John Peck

The Doors: You have been bitten by an animal while trying to get it stoned.

The Who: You own a Goldwing with a baby-changing station.

Ted Nugent: Your hair has at some point been caught in a ceiling fan, boat propeller, or lathe.

The Rolling Stones: You own three cars and no stereo.

Canned Heat: You own three stereos and no car.

Cream: You know a guy who knows a guy who worked on Star Wars.

Journey: You own those running shoes that are shaped like feet.

Lynyrd Skynyrd: You somehow have both long hair and a sunburned scalp.

Yes: Your ideal partner would be into both tantric sex and fat guys.

The Beatles: You can do exactly 1.5 pull-ups.

Deep Purple: Some part of a law named after a young girl applies to you.


Badfinger: You are a Beatle.

Led Zeppelin: The first three things you smoked were banana peels, catnip, and poppies, in that order.

Jimi Hendrix: You are under 20 or over 65.

The Kinks: You have bad teeth and are good in bed.

The Guess Who: You have good teeth and are bad in bed.

Black Sabbath: Your greatest joy is painting unventilated rooms.

David Bowie: There is still, somewhere, a Dig Dug or Zaxxon machine with your high score on it.

The Grateful Dead: Your stories about the seventies make your daughter's roommates at Tufts very uncomfortable.

T-Rex: No matter how much you clean, there will always be trace amounts of glitter on your stove and blender.

The Eagles: You can only reach orgasm while listening to talk radio.


The Moody Blues: You are a former volunteer at the Liberace museum, a serial killer, or both.

Pink Floyd: Your garage is full of failed versions of your stereo/barbecue hybrid.

ZZ Top: Your favorite Hank Williams is Hank Williams, Jr.

Chicago: You are incapable of talking about Chicago without mentioning their horn section.

Thin Lizzy: You are often forced to change or cancel your plans due to "NO LOITERING" signs.

AC/DC: You only remove your socks to shower, and then only reluctantly.

Aerosmith: You know a store that still sells puffy Reeboks.

Van Halen: You have a Peeing Calvin bumper sticker on your Jeep.

Sammy Hagar: You have a Peeing Calvin bumper sticker on your Subaru Brat.

Bachman-Turner Overdrive: You have an actual urine stain on your Subaru Brat.

Uriah Heep: You are the cause of the urine stain.


Styx: You have a severely wrinkled Foreigner poster under your bed.

Allman Brothers Band: You do not own a bong, but can quickly make one from a piece of fruit or an abandoned toilet.

Bad Company: You have sustained several alcohol-related injuries involving sheetrock.

Creedence Clearwater Revival: You are frequently missing part of an eyebrow.

Rush: You carry a small flashlight everywhere, and use it at least three times a day.

Jethro Tull: You have a favorite rune.

Steely Dan: You have snorted cocaine off a copy of Remembrance of Things Past.

Fleetwood Mac: You have snorted cocaine off a copy of The Hobbit.

Blue Oyster Cult: You have snorted cocaine off a copy of Type 2 Diabetes for Dummies.

Mountain: You have snorted cocaine off a Blue Oyster Cult record.

Nazareth: You have snorted cocaine off a member of Mountain.

7 comments:

  1. Van Halen: You have a Peeing Calvin bumper sticker on your Jeep.

    I have a nekkid Calvin that says "life's short, play naked" on my truck! lol

    ReplyDelete
  2. Chicago fan... and yes their horn section is AMAZING!!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Ha! Very clever stuff. Made me laugh. :D

    ReplyDelete
  4. What does it say about me that my favourite - Queen - isn't even on the list?

    ReplyDelete
  5. Hey, I smoked a cigarette WAY before a banana peel. Way.

    ReplyDelete
  6. I only have snorted a hobbit off a copy of Cocaine.

    ReplyDelete
  7. I only snorted a hobbit off a copy of Cocaine.

    ReplyDelete

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