Wednesday, March 19, 2014

News: No One Will Ever Stack Up To Your Eighth-Grade Boyfriend

It's true. From The Onion.
PALO ALTO, CA—According to a report released Tuesday by sociologists at Stanford University, there’s not a single potential partner out there who will ever be as kind, caring, or intelligent as your eighth-grade boyfriend, the first and last guy who totally “got” you and the only one you truly loved.

Noting that he made you feel things you won’t ever feel again, the report confirmed that no one else can stack up to your middle school sweetheart, Brian Boughton—the one who shared your first kiss, knew how to play the first verse and chorus of Green Day’s “Time Of Your Life” on his guitar, and also liked to read.

“Based on the evidence, it’s clear that Brian is as good as it will get for you—past, present, or future,” said Dr. Theresa Cheung, who co-authored the 43-page report on the boy you broke up with two decades ago when his family moved to Maryland.

“While there may be some guys who come close to him in some areas, they will never have that complete package of good looks, rebelliousness, humor, and skateboarding ability that made you weak in the knees.”

(read more)


  1. "skateboarding ability" -- Ha!

    This article made me feel so old. Eighth grade was a LONG time ago. =)

  2. My 8th grade girlfriend is a criminal investigator for the Idaho Department of Corrections, Yikes!



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