It's true. From The Onion.
Noting that he made you feel things you won’t ever feel again, the report confirmed that no one else can stack up to your middle school sweetheart, Brian Boughton—the one who shared your first kiss, knew how to play the first verse and chorus of Green Day’s “Time Of Your Life” on his guitar, and also liked to read.
“Based on the evidence, it’s clear that Brian is as good as it will get for you—past, present, or future,” said Dr. Theresa Cheung, who co-authored the 43-page report on the boy you broke up with two decades ago when his family moved to Maryland.
“While there may be some guys who come close to him in some areas, they will never have that complete package of good looks, rebelliousness, humor, and skateboarding ability that made you weak in the knees.”