Wednesday, February 26, 2014

10 People From Your Past Who Will Haunt You On Facebook

I was looking at one of my h.s. yearbooks the other day and read this note from a dear old friend (misspellings and all):

Hey C-man! Was this a GREAT year or WHAT? You made Trigg tolerible. I'll never forget the raisins. Kincaid will miss us next year. You're a rad dude. Stay cool.

Friends forever,


Yeah, friends forever, Steve -- whoever da fuck you are.

I have zero recollection of Steve. None. Not a clue. Nor do I remember any shenanigans involving dried fruit with this Steve or anyone else.

I looked up all the Steves in my class -- there were three -- and I knew none of them (my school was huge). I remember Trig, I remember Mrs. Kincaid, I don't remember Steve.

Maybe someone was playing me. I hope so. I don't want Steve to find me on Facebook and have to pretend I remember him and all the wacky fun times we had in Trig. I hated Trig.

Other people from your past who will find you on FB:


What They'll Say:

Dear all,

It's with deep regret that I must inform you that our friend from high school, Gordon Porgle, was involved in a car accident.

You may remember Gordon as the quiet person who would spend his time in the library rather than waste his time with us outside. One of my favorite memories of Gordon was that time at the school talent quest when he played GnR on the classical piano. It was hilarious.

He is in intensive care, but is expected to make a full recovery. I will be sending a card soon. If you would like your name to be included, please let me know.

What They'll Really Mean: I've atoned for being an asshole at high school by caring about the uncool kid. I'm better than you.


What They'll Say:

Hi all!

This is just an update for everybody about the reunion. I'm still waiting for a few people to get back to me about when the best time is, but it's looking like it'll be held between Jan and June.

I've found a few more people from class and added them to the list. If this is the first time you've received one of these emails, some of us who are still in the old neighborhood will be hiring out the gymnasium at the high school for a get together.

Please let me know when you can make it back to town.



What They'll Really Mean: Remember how I was popular in high school? I'm better than you.


What They'll Say:

Good friend from a yesteryear passing.

I was simply running my tired eyes over the complexities of human existence in the electronic age − fashion, dot-coms, recipe indexes − when I stumble across the musings of a brother from the past.

It is with great pleasure that I share the love of God with you and offer you my shankra. The sublime Lord has allowed love of humans to spread as energy, which is why He/She (?) allowed the Network of Hope to be created.
I am floating an egg for you and hope you will share with me your comings and goings; toings and frowings; wins and deaths, so we shall once again share.

What They'll Really Mean: I'm in a cult and we're recruiting new members.

(See the rest at Cracked)


  1. Because I didn't get married until after I had been out of high school for several years when everyone had pretty much gone their separate ways, not many people from that time even know my married name. As a result, only a couple of people from high school have found me on Facebook. I'm thinking that's probably a good thing. =)

    1. That works great, unless one or both of your parents are on Facebook and have friended you. In which case get ready to be stalked by all those folks from your past.

      BTW I'm not a weirdo creeper or anything, it's just that this was how a crazy ex of my cousin managed to track her down, and it skeeved her out pretty good.

  2. It's interesting to me how people can revert right back to their high school personas -- even 30 years later. I saw it at my reunion and wish I could say I was surprised. I did think it was nice that lots of people were much more likeable now than they were then. I guess life and time smacks everyone around just a bit. :) (And now I'd like to talk to you about an exciting business opportunity . . . )

  3. That little "People You May Know" thing on the sidebar always scares the bejesus out of me. There's a reason you're still in the sidebar, buddy.



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