Wednesday, January 29, 2014

Hilarious Delivery Room Quotes Of The Day


Tales from doctors, midwives, husbands and other people who were there. From this thread on Reddit.

- My wife during labor: "THIS FUCKER BETTER BE WORTH IT!"

- My sister said she told the doctor as he sutured her episiotomy, "Sew it up all the way, doc. We won't be using it anymore."

- From the birth of my son:
WIFE: "(pant pant pant) I can smell poop, did I poop?"
ME: "No honey, everything looks fine, just relax"
WIFE: "UUuAAaagggGHhHh (pant pant pant) You're a terrible fucking liar! Why can't you lie better?!"

- My ex-wife looked down and said "I'm having a puppy"

- Another mother, after delivering a little boy, said "No, that's wrong. Check again! It's supposed to be a girl. There's been a mistake."

- ME: You're doing great, honey.
WIFE: SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP JUST CUT IT OUT OF ME!


- While going through an extrememly long and strenous labor with my brother, my mom told the doctor to "burn all the Elvis records."

- My dad was holding my mom's hand, spouting off random comfort. She looked him dead in the eye, face red and eyes bulging, and said: "Don't. Fucking. Tell me. WHAT. TO. DO."

- My wife said "Yay! BBQ tonight!" when she delivered the placenta.

- When the doctor told me to start pushing, apparently I said (I don't remember this), "No! I changed my mind! I'm not doing this!"

- Wife was in labor for 8 hours. About 5 hours into it I ask her "Do you want anything from the lounge?" Normal question. Had been bringing stuff for her, ice chips and that. She looks at me in the middle of a contraction and snarls "Talk to me again and I will FUCKING KILL YOU WHERE YOU STAND..."

- My wife during a grueling labor: "THE NEXT ONE IS COMING OUT OF YOUR DICK!


- When I had given birth to my daughter, just as she was put on my stomach, I look down at her and I said. "Is that mine?"

- My son was not cooperating and the doctor had to turn him. So I'm laying there while the doctor reaches up in me and what came to mind came out of my mouth: "I have officially decided that I do NOT want to try fisting."

- Me, during a particularly painful contraction: "I am a Klingggggggonnnnnnn! Aaaagh!!!"

- I was a friend's 'labour coach' and during one contraction she grabbed her husbands testicles and squeezed the ever loving FUCK out of them! The Doctor and I had to pry her vice-like gripped fingers from his bruised nutsack.

- When my mum was giving birth to my sister, after several hours of pushing, she screamed at the doctor to 'PUT A GUN UP THERE AND SHOOT IT.'


- When my mum gave birth to me, she wasn't allowed to eat anything and was in labour for 22 hours. For the last bit when she was actually giving birth, they said she kept screaming "I WANT A CHEESE PIE!"

- I used laughing gas and during a contraction accidentally pinned my arm under me pressing the mask onto my face, I breathed in too much and my husband said I looked like cookie monster screaming "too ...much... gas!"

- Apparently before going into labor my mother watched The Fly. After days of trying she finally got me out (sunny side up and with only two vessels in my cord) and the first thing she said when she held me was, " Oh God it's a maggot." They had wrapped me in a white blanket and I guess I was pretty squirmy.

- "CAN SOMEONE SHUT THAT WOMAN UP?!" I yelled this at my doctor after getting very annoyed at the woman across the hall, who was also in labor screaming.


Anyone else have a good delivery room story?

9 comments:

  1. My story is similar to the one above who said, "No! I changed my mind! I'm not doing this!"

    About 16 or 17 hours into what turned out to be 18 hours of labor, I told my husband to take me home because I had changed my mind and decided I didn't want to have a baby after all. Obviously, the pain was keeping me from thinking clearly. =)

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  2. I had one C-section (after 22 hours of labor), one epidural, and one drug-free. I wasn't much of a screamer but I muttered lots of colorful, un-ladylike expletives between clenched teeth that made the nurses blush (and giggle.) At one point, my OB (this was the Elvis Stamp baby, btw) gave me a disapproving look. That went right up my nose and I yelled, "I BEG YOUR DAMN PARDON DR. PRISSY PANTS! You can just take that giant stick out of your ass and hit yourself upside the head with it, motherfucker." Things went rather smoothly after that. :)

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  3. As soon as I was born (male), and I mean as SOON as I came out... I pissed all over the doctor. Mom said, "Welp. Pipes work."

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  4. I asked the doctor who administered my epidural if he would marry me. Twice.

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  5. The juxtaposition of the MSOTD and the first picture in this post made me snort.

    I have no stories. I had two blessedly short (less than 4 hours) and uneventful labours. My husband escaped unscathed from both.

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  6. Max was born on February 1 2003. In the UK, where he was born, the date was written 01 02 03. After having been in labour for about 12 hours already, hubby quipped, "Do you think you could have him at 4.56? Because that'd be cool."

    I shouted, "THIS MAN IS NOT MY HUSBAND! WHO LET HIM IN HERE!?"

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  7. My wife punched the delivery nurse when she was denied a promised Demerol shot. I came back from dinner to see my wife standing on one side of the bed in the hospital gown, bike rack hangin' out the back, and a familiar grim look on her face. On the other side, a middle-aged Filipina cowering with a red mark on her face...

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  8. I said, during labor with no drugs, "I curse Eve's name."

    The story of Adam and Eve says that because Eve ate the apple, God declared that giving birth would be painful. Guess I was listening in Sunday School.

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  9. During my first labor, I told my mother and my husband, after taking drugs to help me through the pain of contractions, that I couldn't wait for the next contraction to be over so that I would be put back in my drawer to sleep.

    During my second, I also fell in love with the anesthesiologist who did my epidural. I had decided that if my marriage didn't work out, I would be looking him up after the delivery.

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