Tuesday, May 21, 2013

LOTD Classic: Pop Music's 20 Worst Lyrics Of The Day

List from Spinner.com. Commentary from me.

20. ELTON JOHN - "Your Song"

"If I was a sculptor/But then again, no."

Who gives a shit? Get on with it
. We don't have all day.


19. SHAKIRA - "Whenever, Wherever"

"Lucky that my breasts/Are small and humble/So you don't confuse/Them with mountains."

Humble? No breasts should be humble. They should be loud and proud.


18. 50 CENT - "21 Questions"

"I love you like a fat kid loves cake"

This belongs on the Best Lyrics list, not the Worst Lyrics list.


17. U2 - "Staring At The Sun"

"There's an insect/In your ear/If you scratch/It won't disappear"

That insect is this horrible song in your ear.


16. SLAYER - Necrophiliac

"Relentless lust of rotting flesh/To thrash the tomb she lies/Heathen whore of Satan's wrath/I spit at your demise."

And you were expecting...?


15. R.E.M. - "Leaving New York"

"Leaving was never my proud."

Great song, crappy line. Making up words was never Michael Stipe's proud.


14. EMINEM - "Ass Like That"

"I ain't never seen/An ass like that/The way you move it/You make my pee-pee go 'doing-doing-doing'"

If my pee-pee was going "doing-doing-doing", I'd have it checked.


13. AMERICA - "Horse With No Name"

"There were plants and birds and rocks and things."

No shit? Great story, bro!


12. CULTURE CLUB - "Clock Of The Heart"

"Time is like a clock in my heart."

Duh. Time is like a clock everywhere, dumbass.


11. THE BANGLES/PRINCE - "Manic Monday"

"I wish it was Sunday/That's my fun day/My I-don't-have-to-run day."

This song always struck me as something Prince scribbled on a cocktail napkin while waiting in bed for Kim Basinger or Appolonia to come out of the bathroom and lick his wee royal balls.


10. NATALIE IMBRUGLIA - "Torn"

"I'm all out of faith/This is how I feel"

This is how you feel? Really? Thanks for clearing that up. The lyrical equivalent of someone saying, "I'm just saying," after they have said something.


9. VANILLA ICE - "Play That Funky Music"

"Now you're amazed/By the VIP posse/Steppin' so hard/Like a German Nazi."

How did we let him happen?



8. SHANIA TWAIN - "Honey, I'm Home"

"My panty line shows/Got a run in my hose/My hair went flat/Man, I hate that."

First world problems, Shania. I'd still do ya, though. Twice.


7. SAVES THE DAY - "See You"

"I don't think that I've got the stomach/To stomach calling you today."

Who? I have never even heard of this band. Great choice, Spinner.


6. MICHAEL JACKSON - "Bad"

"Your butt is mine."

As Spinner says, the worst opening line in music history. And not really the kind of thing you want to write when you're being accused of molesting kids.


5. PAUL McCARTNEY - "Live And Let Die"

"But if this ever-changing world in which we live in ..."

Oh, Sir Paul knew it was bad grammar. Sir Paul did not care. Because he is Sir Paul, and he can write whatever the hell he wants. And you will like it.


4. PUFF DADDY & MASE - "Can't Nobody Hold Me Down"

"Young, black and famous/With money hangin' out the anus."

Which is the same place all of Puff's lyrics come from.


3. MADONNA - "I Love New York"

"I don't like cities/But I like New York/Other places/Make me feel like a dork."

My turn: "I hate Madonna/But I like New York/I want to cut off her tongue with a spork." 


2. CULTURE CLUB - "War Song"

"War is stupid/And people are stupid."

This song is stupid. 


1. SADE - "Smooth Operator"

"Coast to coast/L.A. to Chicago."

Maybe she meant the coast of Lake Michigan.

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