Tuesday, January 8, 2013

Craigslist Ad Of The Day: I Farted On Every One Of My 37 Employees


best of craigslist > new york >

I farted on every single one of my employees. All 37 of them.



Date:


So, I just need to tell the world because I am so happy that I have finally accomplished something that has been 3 months in the making.  I farted on every single one of my 37 employees.


The initial fart began on January 21st, 2008 while I was expediting at my somewhat famous restaurant in the meatpacking district. 

I am a chef. I don't know if I would call myself world famous, but I am definitely known in and around NYC. I have had several specials on the Food Network. You probably know me if you like food and eating in Manhattan.

That said, lets get back to the first fart, the maiden fart, the perfect fart.

It was hot as hell in the kitchen that night, sometimes I like to turn off the air conditioning to give my staff a bit of a stir, it makes their blood flow, their tempers flash, but for some reason, their discomfort turns out better quality food.

So with all the air off, there is no air flow in our downstairs kitchen, and its small and cramped and really really hot.

We have our plates in the warmer under our pass, so i was helping my hot apps guy plate a new fungi misti when it happened. He had the pan in his right hand, and we both reached to bend over to get the hot plate, i got there first, so he inhaled the entire hot air load that I let roar out of my pants.

It was bold, loud, and completely unapologetic.

I was louder though, laughing so fucking hard at his coughing and gagging that i almost lost the granddaddy, the origin of the fart, the poop.

This actually did happen on fart employee #19, but we will get back to that.

So with this began my mission. I had to fart on everyone that works for me, and write it all in a log book so that I can keep track.


(Continued here)


The Funniest Facebook Posts Of 2012

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Lots more here.

Movie Roles Val Kilmer Didn't Want Or Didn't Get (Of The Day)

Turning down or losing parts are common practices in Hollywood, but Valerie here seems to have more than his share of near misses. A reputation for being supremely difficult on the set certainly doesn't help. Damn fine actor, though. Loved him in Tombstone and Real Genius.

Actors who got the parts instead are in parentheses.



ROLES VAL DIDN'T WANT

Dirty Dancing
Turned down the lead role of Johnny Castle (Patrick Swayze).

Batman & Robin
Declined to return as Batman (George Clooney) due to creative differences with Joel Schumacher.

Blue Velvet
Turned down the lead role of Jeffrey (Kyle Maclachlan).

Dune
Turned down an unspecified role.

Enchanted
Turned down the part of Robert Philip (Patrick Dempsey).

Fair Game
Turned down the role of Detective Kirkpatrick (William Baldwin). Can you blame him? That movie was shit.

Backdraft
Turned down the role of McCaffrey (William Baldwin).

Bandits
Was initially considered to play Terry (Billy Bob Thornton) but backed out due to scheduling conflicts.

Interview with the Vampire
Turned down the role of Louis (Brad Pitt).

Johnny Mnemonic
Dropped out of the lead role (Keanu Reeves) when he was offered the role of Batman in Batman Forever.

A Time to Kill
Turned down the lead role of Jake Brigance (Matt McConaughey).

Flatliners
Turned down the lead role of Nelson (Kiefer Sutherland).

Collateral
Backed out after being cast as Detective Fanning (Mark Ruffalo).

Crimson Tide
Turned down the lead role of Lt. Commander Ron Hunter (Denzel Washington).

The Outsiders
Turned down the role of Ponyboy (C. Thomas Howell) because of previous commitment (i.e. two-for-one night at Krispy Kreme donuts.




ROLES VAL DIDN'T GET

Alexander
Before being cast as King Philip, director Oliver Stone considered him for the lead role (Colin Farrell).

Austin Powers In Goldmember
Val Kilmer was rumored to have been offered the cameo as Goldmember at the end of the film (John Travolta).

Full Metal Jacket
Auditioned for role of Pvt. Joker (Matthew Modine).

The Godfather: Part III
Considered to play Vincent Corleone (Andy GarcĂ­a). Too fat and Irish.

True Romance
Wanted to play Clarence (Christian Slater), according to director Tony Scott. Kilmer made a cameo appearance in the film instead as Elvis Presley.

Sliver
Considered for the lead role (William Baldwin).

Guerrilla
Considered as a secondary option to play Argentine revolutionary Che Guevara (Benicio Del Toro) if Del Toro were not available.

Platoon
Auditioned for the part of Elias (Willem Dafoe).

In the Line of Fire
Considered to play Frank Horrigan (Clint Eastwood).

Indecent Proposal
Considered for the role of David Murphy (Woody Harrelson).

The Insider
Considered to play Jeffrey Wigand (Russell Crowe).

Point Break
Considered to play Johnny Utah (Keanu Reeves).

Se7en
Considered for the role of John Doe (Kevin Spacey)

The Matrix
According to an interview with Matrix composer Don Davis, the studio wanted Brad Pitt or Val Kilmer for the lead role (Keanu Reeves).

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