From The Onion.
Giant Burrito To Solve All Of Area Man’s Problems For 6 Precious Minutes
GREENSBORO, NC—According to sources at a local Qdoba, 31-year-old advertising sales associate Anthony Gerrit is about to purchase an extra-large burrito that will completely resolve every concern, burden, and troublesome issue in his life for six blissful minutes.
“I’ll have a chicken burrito, please,” said Gerrit, soon to be overcome with feelings of pure joy, without a care in the world about his work performance or whether his coworkers like him.
“With some brown rice.”
“And black beans,” Gerrit added as the burrito—which for the next few minutes will remove any expectations from his family to be as successful as his other siblings—was slid over to the next employee in the food preparation line.
Reports confirmed that upon taking his first bite of the Mexican delicacy at approximately 6:42 p.m., Gerrit will be instantly liberated from having to pay any outstanding credit card bills, car payments, or monthly rent.
Prior to taking his final bite six minutes later, Gerrit will also be spared any guilt for not calling or visiting his parents more often, and especially for his decision not to come home for Thanksgiving this year.