Tuesday, October 8, 2013

Craigslist Ad Of The Day: Partner Needed For Satanic Sex Ritual


best of craigslist > santa barbara >

Satanic Sexual Ritual


Date: 2009-06-18, 5:13PM PDT


Looking for a woman with evil appetites.

We will have nasty, evil, sweaty, probably illegal sexual encounters in order to bring about the rise of Lucifer (i.e Satan).

Must be willing to do all styles of sexual positions, except Missionary. That is the Lord's Way, and we will have none of that. Besides, if we do it Missionary, Satan gets angry and a kitten dies. I like kittens.

Must be into anal. For that is Satan's Alley.

Must like blow jobs (Swallowing Lucifer's Gravy) and Hand Jobs (Milking the Evil Goat)

Must be into slight S&M (Safe word: Pink Sock)

Must be into erotic and evil costumes and lingerie. Leather Thongs, spikes, boots, black and evil bras that accentuate your bosom, Boba Fett costumes.

Must be willing to deep throat. (So that my satanic appendage will be closer to your black soul)

Must be into strap-ons so that I may feel the "Power of Beezlebub" coursing thru my lower intestines.

The perfect encounter will be this:

Meeting you at one of our local eatery's. Plying you with ample alcoholic libations. Enjoying a nice piece of animal flesh. Tipping the waiter only 10% instead of 15 to 20% (Because we are EVIL!)

Taking you back to my lair. Removing your Gothic Garb, laying you roughly upon my "Sacrifice Altar" (Twin size futon), and promptly begin to nibble on your Satanic Slit. (Please shave before the ritual, as it's hard to be evil when you got pubes stuck in your fillings).

Whence you are all moist with the Power of The Dark Lord's Juices, I will remove my cape and trousers and proceed to fill you with the Sceptre of His Infernal Majesty.

You will writhe in pleasure so deep, it will call forth the Evil One himself!

After 4 to 7 minutes of the most intense sexual experience of your God Fearing life, we will perform a Satanic Snuggle, until you gently fall asleep in my powerful arms.

If this taps into the Primordial Jelly you have buried deep down in your Dark Soul, then contact me and we will make beautiful, agonizing "love" together.

We will combine our desires and perform rituals so evil, it will awaken the Evil Ancient One from His Firey Nap!

5 comments:

  1. I think I'd rather not awaken the "evil ancient one from his firey nap," so I'm going to have to pass, thanks. That twin size futon (no doubt in his mother's basement) sure is tempting, though.

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  2. I gotta give him props for his prose but he lost me at "futon." No dice, Dark Lord!!

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  3. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  4. No ram's skull filled with LSD laced whore's blood? Or naked minions writhing within pentagrams drawn with goat semen, in the throes of black majick trances of the most unholy sexual lust? What a total rip off.

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