Monday, September 16, 2013

Lesser-Known Prophecies Of Nostradamus (Of The Day)

From McSweeney's. By Langan Kingsley.
On the third day of May, when the wind crosses West and East,
The green mermaid who protects the outposts of bean-water will be besieged
Empty white cups shall fill cans, and the adrogyne with a green apron.
Shall look upon you and utter that the only available liquid lacks CAFF.

There is an ICY BOX in the ROOM of BREAK of an edifice.
In the box is a sweet cake made of cold cream;
It marks the feast day of ARTHUR from ACCOUNTING
But a tiny corner of the sweet shall disappear right before the celebration.

A woman named BARB shall prepare herself for dinner and drinks
And in her urgency shall dash her APPENDAGE against a bath tile,
Her finger’s keratin shell shall snap, sharply and seemingly irreparably,
Only to be righted after a pilgrimage, to the SALON of NAILS.

Vision shall be clarified when the OPTimal doctor declares CONTACT
Possible between a corrective device and they eyeball but
The payment made in cooperation shall be misquoted
And a lengthy dispute with the entity known as V.S.P. shall ensue.

A tub of LEAFS shall be purchased with the intent to create a mixture
Of vegetables and nuts and oils and vinegar and berries OF STRAW
Instead pasta and cheese are ravaged, discarded wrappers thrown
Just above the rotting plastic tub of forgotten green slime.

(read more)


  1. Poor Barb and her dashed appendage! I'm so glad to hear she was able to have it righted at the Salon of Nails.

    I've purchased more than one "tub of leafs" that turned unfortunately to a "tub of forgotten green slime" before it was consumed too.

    Loved this! Very funny! :)



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