Declarative Doobie Brothers’ Lyric or Instructional Line from a First Draft of a 1950s Hygiene Manual Written By an Angry Person Who Got Fired?
by Jeff Johnson
1. Oh, oh, listen to the music.
2. Gently pull back the foreskin. Now douse everything you see with industrial-grade bleach.
3. Pour melted butter inside each ear canal. Then look out the window. But not like that.
4. Take this message to my brother.
5. Eat more carrots. Eat them as if you believed they would actually help you be less awkward in social situations.
6. Keep on shinin’ on me.
7. Keep acting like a complete pussy.
8. Pretty mama take me by the hand.
9. You go on leavin’ out your heart.
10. Anyone you know as a cousin should wear a bra. No exceptions. Especially, your cousin Albert. He’s always coming over and leering, from the sofa, at every woman he sees. And spilling popcorn. Smaller handfuls would help with that, but then you realize we’re talking about Albert. He’s the greediest pile this side of the Alamo.
11. You’re talkin’ about China Grove.
12. You won’t get anywhere by giving your pimples the evil eye in the bathroom mirror. And let’s face it, they’re not pimples, they’re sores.
13. Give me the beat, boys.