From The Onion.
Not-That-Important Employee Snatches Best Donut In Box
FORT WAYNE, IN—Employees at Sapphire Business Solutions expressed their collective outrage Friday at the brazen conduct of sales associate Isaac Schuler, a largely unimportant staffer who’s only been with the company for maybe a month and who had the gall to take the best donut in the box for himself.
As recounted by multiple office sources, the easily dispensable Schuler took the premium donut after a selection of complimentary pastries, bagels, and beverages were made available in the office breakroom.
His coworkers went on to confirm that Schuler, an employee who could be fired today and nobody would notice or care, did not deserve the prized confection.
“Are you fucking kidding me?” said senior product developer Roger Lindquist, upon learning that Schuler, whose first name he didn’t know until he took the pastry, had shamelessly snatched the sole Boston cream from the box of free donuts.
“I’ve been busting my ass here for eight years, and this asshole comes in off the street and thinks he’s automatically entitled to whatever donut he can get his hands on? He hasn’t earned that right, not by a long shot.”