Monday, April 1, 2013

Open Letter Of The Day: Applebee's Wants You To Know That It Is Not Immune To Your Barbs

From McSweeney's.
Applebee’s Just Wants You to Know That It Is Not Immune To Your Barbs

By Pete Reynolds

Look, it’s not like Applebee’s hasn’t heard the jokes. Applebee’s is not some out-of-touch square with no ears for hearing or feelings for feeling things. 


Applebee’s is a restaurant. An honest-to-goodness, flesh-and-blood-and-Potato-Twisters restaurant who is right here—right everywhere, really—and who can easily hear you laughing it up at Applebee’s’s expense.

What about all the good times we had? Remember those? Applebee’s does. Applebee’s even remembers your very first date. You know why? Because it happened right here at Applebee’s. 

You could have taken her to any number of dining establishments located within 75 yards of Applebee’s. You could have taken those first steps toward adulthood at Ruby Tuesday or Texas Roadhouse, or even (god forbid) O’Charley’s. You could have taken her to T.G.I. Friday’s. 

But you didn’t.

When it was go time, you brought her to the Neighborhood. And you ate good in the Neighborhood. You ate good, damn it. 

You chose the Fire Pit Bacon Burger, and she chose the Chicken Quesadilla Grande, and in that moment, all was perfect. Remember that, my friend.

And yet as soon as it becomes “hip” to have a little fun at Applebee’s’s expense, you’re right there with the crowd, cracking wise about the Double Barrel Whiskey Sirloins on your Tumblr.


(Continued)

4 comments:

  1. Oh, Applebee's! C'mon! Are you on your period??

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Way to go.

      Now you're gonna be stuck outside the bathroom door begging and pleading for the better part of an hour.

      Which is pretty much the opposite of what happens when you eat at the restaurant.

      Delete
  2. Listen, Applebee's... it's not you, it's me.

    ReplyDelete
  3. "Applebee’s is not some out-of-touch square with no ears for hearing or feelings for feeling things." hahaha!

    I think Applebee's is singing the blues.

    ReplyDelete

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