Wednesday, February 6, 2013

LOTD Classic: 21 Celebrities Who Need To Change Their Names

(Originally posted 9/9/09)

Everybody's gotta be different now, is that it? Diversity is fine, but give me something I can pronounce. John Wayne. Tony Curtis. Cary Grant. Those were star names. Not this shit.


Nestor Carbonell
The guy who played Richard Alpert on "Lost" has a name that sounds like a sketchy pasta dish. “Our special tonight is Nestor Carbonell -- spinach linguine with caper sauce, topped with long-eared Christmas donkey medallions.”



Sean Bean
Spoken, it’s fine, but it reads as “Seen Bean,” someone Dr. Seuss might’ve written about.
Have you seen Bean?
Who do you mean?

I mean Sean, you fiend,
That's the Bean I mean!




Chiwetel Ejiofor
Chi-wah Who-wha? Can someone Chiwe-tell me how to pronounce this fucked-up name? (Whatever you call him, he played Huey Lucas in American Gangster, where he and The News sang, “I Want A New Drug.”)



America Ferrara
Whenever I encounter assonance in celebrity names, I just want to combine them: “Americarrara.”



Sandra Oh
The sound of disappointment.
“Who’s in this movie?”
“That beast from Grey’s Anatomy.”
“Oh. What else is on?”




M. Night Shyamalan
Shyamalan is fine -- it gives us all a reason to call him “Shama-lama-ding-dong.” But he's gotta lose that pretentious unnecessary M. John C. Reilly needs his C because there’s another John Reilly in SAG. Somehow I doubt there’s another Night Shyamalan, and if there was, he surely changed his name after
The Happening.



Kellie Pickler
Pickler? I barely kno--wait.. hmm... yes, I think I will.



Zeljko Ivanek
Great actor (24, Damages, House, Oz), crappy name. Under “Alternate Names,” IMdb.com lists “’Z with a caron Zeljko Ivanek’, ‘Z-with-inverted-circumflex-eljko Ivanek’, ‘Željko Ivanek’ and ‘Z’, proving that even they don’t what the hell to do with that name. Why don't you trade in a k or two for some vowels, chief?



Adam Carolla
I drove a Corolla once. It sucked. I suggest Adam Camry or Adam 4Runner, both far superior makes of Toyota.



William Hung
I hope so, 'cause the motherfucker sure can’t sing.



Andy Dick
Actually, this one is perfect.



Rupert Grint and Ioan Gruffudd
Weren’t those the villains in Great Expectations?



Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje
Whenever you say his name, a genie appears.



Miley Cyrus
Myrus.



Jeff Probst
A name that sounds like a cross between two things that frighten me: probe and Pabst.



Skeet Ulrich
Skeet? Were Spunk and Jizz already taken?



Tyra Banks
“Tyra” sounds a lot like “tiring.” Coincidence?



Stockard Channing
Stockyard? No one should have a name that reminds people of pig shit.



Billy Crudup
Shut the crud up, Billy. Yeah, I know, it’s pronounced “KROOD-up.” Like that's any better.



Shia LeBoeuf
Shy in the buff? Why? Coming up a little short?



Wilmer Valderrama
Wilmerrama.

7 comments:

  1. "Our special tonight is Nestor Carbonell -- spinach linguine with caper sauce, topped with long-eared Christmas donkey medallions"--haha!

    No thanks, I'm not hungry.

    Great list, Cary! :-D

    ReplyDelete
  2. These made me laugh so hard! Very funny list, Cary.
    I have often thought the same thing about Seen Bean and America Ferrara. I wonder about the name "Skeet" -- is it short for mosquito? My mother always referred to Stockard Channing as Stockyard. She insisted she was saying it correctly.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Kelly Pickler. I saw her once on Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader. No, she wasn't! I think someone pickled her brain.

    I love how the MPotd could double as the FPotd.
    Yes, my dearest husband, It's Wood!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Mmmm.. Nestor Carbonell. Aaand, now I want pasta. I'm loving LOTD Classic! 2009 is kind of a blur so it's all brand new to me! You so funny!

    ReplyDelete
  5. I need some new mascara... what's the brand the chick is wearing in MSOTD?

    ReplyDelete
  6. Absolutely hilarious! I love "Chi-wah Who-wha?" They all cracked me up though.

    ReplyDelete
  7. It took me forever to learn how to pronounce that actress
    Gabourey Sidebe's name. I gave up and had to wait until she hosted SNL and they announced her before I knew how to say it.

    ReplyDelete

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