1. Take a mud bath at Calistoga (or anywhere else).
2. Tell a cop to "fuck off."
3. Help you move.
4. Give money to M. Night Shyamalan, Brian DePalma, Tim Burton, or Al Pacino.
5. Tell my wife she sneezes like a lumberjack, even if I think it will make her laugh.
6. Eat WOW chips (or anything else with olestra).
7. Flip off a truck full of construction workers.
8. Ask someone (a mother-in-law, for example) to stay the rest of the week when I don't really want that person to stay the rest of the week.
9. Give my e-mail address to any website that sells insurance or wants to put me in touch with former schoolmates.
10. Co-author a book.
11. Change a diaper.
12. Go on a cruise with a toddler. Actually, go on a cruise at all.
13. Sleep on the ground.
14. Buy an airplane seat next to the lavatory, even if it's the only seat available and I really need to be on that flight.
I've got more but that's a start. How about you? What's on your list?