Monday, February 18, 2013

14 Things I Will Never Do Again (And You Can't Make Me)

Just sayin'.

1. Take a mud bath at Calistoga (or anywhere else).

2. Tell a cop to "fuck off."

3. Help you move.

4. Give money to M. Night Shyamalan, Brian DePalma, Tim Burton, or Al Pacino.

5. Tell my wife she sneezes like a lumberjack, even if I think it will make her laugh.

6. Eat WOW chips (or anything else with olestra).

7. Flip off a truck full of construction workers.

8. Ask someone (a mother-in-law, for example) to stay the rest of the week when I don't really want that person to stay the rest of the week.

9. Give my e-mail address to any website that sells insurance or wants to put me in touch with former schoolmates.

10. Co-author a book.

11. Change a diaper.

12. Go on a cruise with a toddler. Actually, go on a cruise at all.

13. Sleep on the ground.

14. Buy an airplane seat next to the lavatory, even if it's the only seat available and I really need to be on that flight.

I've got more but that's a start. How about you? What's on your list?



  1. Drink so much that I puke.
    Give birth
    Get divorced (I'd rather go to jail for homicide than have another ex-husband (love you Honey!))
    Live in a truly bad neighborhood

  2. In no particular order:
    Chuck E. Cheese
    Get a Brazilian

  3. Take another hot yoga class. (OMG. There are no words.)
    Order the poo-poo platter. (Yeah, it tastes like its name.)
    Use warming lube. (Identical to Icy Hot.)
    Buy a car with a stick shift. (I need my hands free for stuff.)

  4. Eat a super hot curry dish when the waiter warns against it. (It was like eating lava, also later it was like pooping lava.)

    Try lifting something heavy to impress a lady. (Pulling a muscle in your back and crying like a little girl tends not to impress women.)

    Go on a blind date. (Don't ask.)

    Mouth off to the guy fixing my brakes. (He claims it was an accident that they gave out, but I'm still not 100% sure.)

    Help my drunk uncle set up his shooting range. (In retrospect I was the idiot for offering to put up a new target for him.)

    Eat enough leftover Halloween or Easter candy to make myself sick.

  5. Wear a Bikini
    Go to a concert with my husband and any of his friends (After 4 times, I finally learned my lesson)
    Go to Over/Under Night at a bar

  6. Number 8 in your list made me laugh. :-D

    I will never buy another house with a lot of stairs, ride a roller coaster or other amusement park ride that tosses me around like a beanbag, get talked into "volunteering" for something that I don't want to do, do a complicated home improvement project myself if I can afford to pay someone else to do it, or eat sauerkraut.

  7. I second all the above, plus:

    Join a volunteer organization that requires anything other than writing a check.

    Eat to the point of pain.

    Work in a job that requires clothes I can't buy at WalMart.

    Serve on a committee.

    Wear a skirt that hits above the knee and/or heels higher than 2".

    Kiss someone I don't want to.

    Eat kangaroo meat.

  8. Spend time with people I don't really like, let alone can't stand.
    Volunteer when I don't really want to
    Babysit someone else's kids
    Make other people a priority for whom I am only an inconvenience

  9. Let's see...

    Go on a Carnival cruise (Any other line is fine, but after my experience and what was in the news, never again)
    Dollywood (Save your money and go to Disney or Universal)
    Take allergy pills and drink on the same day
    Go to the top of the Empire State Building at night in November (Great view but too damn cold)
    Pontoon boating
    Eat at KFC or Pizza Hut

  10. Fly, unless I want to be unable to walk for a week afterwards (I have Meniere's disease; Google it)
    Buy a no-name computer without an operating system and then try to install a bootleg copy of Windows on it
    Try to change a car's title and registration by mail (submitted it last summer and I'm STILL waiting)
    Work in retail
    Ice skating



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