Wednesday, January 9, 2013

Letter Of The Day: Von Trapp Wedding Canceled

From McSweeney's.

I Regret to Inform You That My Wedding to Captain Von Trapp Has Been Canceled.

By Baroness Elsa Schraeder

Dear friends, family, and Austrian nobility,


Captain Von Trapp and I are very sorry to inform you that we no longer plan to wed. We offer our deepest apologies to those of you who have already made plans to travel to Salzburg this summer.


Those of you on the Captain’s side of the guest list are probably aware of the reason for the change of plans. I’m sure by now you have received that charming “Save the date!” card in the shape of a mountain goat from the Captain and his new fiancée, Maria.


I must confess to being rather blindsided by the end of our relationship. I assumed Captain Von Trapp was looking for a wife of taste and sophistication who was a dead ringer for Tippi Hedren; instead he wanted to marry a curtain-wearing religious fanatic who shouts every word she says.


It's my eyebrows, isn't it?
“But Baroness,” so many of my friends have said, “you must be devastated. You yourself are fabulously wealthy, so you cannot have wanted the Captain for his money—you must have truly loved him.” 

It’s true. But so, I am sure, does his new fiancée, his children’s nanny. Her wardrobe is made of curtains. She’s definitely not a gold digger or anything.

Since I will no longer be a part of their lives, I do hope you will all keep an eye on the Captain’s children. I am not terribly maternal but I was very fond of them in my own way and I must admit I am worried what will become of them now that I have gone.

I had planned to send them to boarding school, since their education at the moment seems to consist mostly of marching around Salzburg singing scales.I think it would have been particularly helpful for the eldest daughter, who seems intent on losing her virginity to the mailman.



(continued here)


5 comments:

  1. HA! Love!!
    " Yes. Well, you can't marry someone when you're in love with someone else... can you?" *swoon*

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  2. "She seems like a lovely person, and she and the children have a great deal in common.

    A great, great, great deal." Nice, Elsa. Very nice.

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  3. "Someone who flunked out of nun school"--haha! I love this. Very funny all the way through. :)

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  4. Too bad.. I bet the Baroness puts on a good wedding. Lots of jumbo shrimp and whatnot. Maria probably wants to have a small, simple affair. Fuck that, you curtain-wearing religious fanatic!!

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