Thursday, January 10, 2013

Kiss Of Death Actors Of The Day

Tired of wasting money on crap movies? Here's your solution: just look for one or more of these actors. If they're in the movie, it will suck. Simple, huh?

Of course, just as a broken clock is right twice a day, even a bad actor can get lucky and find himself/herself in a decent flick from time to time. In the interest of fairness, I've noted those exceptions.

ROBIN WILLIAMS

Robin Williams is actually two people: one, the talented mensch in movies like The Fisher King and Awakenings, the other a tiresome sadist who makes shit like Mrs. Doubtfire, RV, Patch Adams, Bicentennial Man and more. Both men are Sasquatch-hairy.

Exceptions: One Hour Photo, Good Will Hunting, Dead Poets Society

CUBA GOODING, JR

Seems like after Cuba won his Oscar for Jerry Maguire, he decided he was done with heavy lifting and started making bad movies, each worse than the one before it. First there was a pointless bit part in As Good As It Gets, followed by Instinct (no, I don't remember it, either), Rat Race (Cannonball Run sans Burt and Loni), Snow Dogs (a kids movie starring Michael Bolton!), and Radio (a buck-toothed Forrest Gump in a grocery cart). Then, in his final capitulation, Cuba hopped aboard Eddie Murphy's suckwagon (Norbit), for his final ride to that gas chamber called wasted potential.

Exceptions: Cuba was terrific in Malcolm X. No, wait... that was Denzel Washington.

JENNIFER LOPEZ

They say she's a nightmare off screen. Off screen? She's pretty frightful on screen, too. Maid In Manhattan. The Wedding Planner. Anaconda. And, of course, (pee shiver) Gigli. Be afraid. Be very afraid.

Exceptions: None.

MATTHEW BRODERICK

Remember Ferris Bueller's Day Off? Yeah, that kid is long gone. Now we have the blank-faced middle-aged schlump who makes movies without reading the scripts ahead of time (hello, Michael Caine!); how else can you explain Godzilla, The Stepford Wives, and Deck The Halls? Mr. Sarah J. Parker always seems to be phoning it in, but hey, it's a paycheck. Hay and sugar cubes aren't cheap.

Exceptions: Election, The Freshman, Glory

DR. WILLIAM H. COSBY, Jr., Ed.D, Ph.D, D.D.S., C.P.A., Esq., M.D., P.I., R.N.

The last time Cosby made a decent flick, Gerald Ford was president. Yeah, he's a TV god, but his movies are like having Jell-O Pops shoved up your cornhole. Don't believe me? Try watching Leonard Part VI or Ghost Dad sober. Cosby was also in Jack (1996) with Robin Williams and J-Lo, earning that film a rare suck-fecta. But hey, did you know that Cosby has a doctorate in education? Of course you did! He includes it his credits so that you won't forget.

Exceptions: Critic Pat Collins called Cosby's Ed. D. dissertation "the best academic tome I've read all year!"

ANY POP SINGER WHO THINKS HE/SHE IS AN ACTOR

Mariah Carey: Glitter

Jon Bon Jovi: Pay It Forward, Pucked
Whitney Houston: The Bodyguard.
Jewel: Ride With The Devil
Brandy: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
Lil' Kim: You Got Served

Exceptions: Stacy "Fergie" Ferguson in Poseidon. Well.. ok. Not really. But she was better than Richard Dreyfuss, and he has an Oscar.

CHRIS ROCK

Chris, buddy, I dig your stand-up, but your movies really "bring the pain": Lethal Weapon 4, Down To Earth, Head Of State, The Longest Yard. No wonder everybody hates Chris.

Exceptions: Still thinking...

CARMEN ELECTRA

Carmen "stars" in Date Movie, Epic Movie, Scary Movie, and Disaster Movie, so she really has just one role: queen of the Shitty Movie.

Exceptions: Baywatch: Hawaiian Wedding

DAVID LETTERMAN

His only big-screen role was Cabin Boy, but it was as rotten as his Oscar-hosting performance. Those two things put him on the list for life.

Exceptions: None.

NICOLE KIDMAN

Yes, she won an Oscar for The Hours (aptly named), but the former Mrs. Cruise also churns out more shit than a flock of Canada Geese... like The Invasion, which I sat through one night not long ago, hoping that any minute it would get better. It didn't. There's also Bewitched, The Golden Compass, Eyes Wide Shut, The Interpreter, Birth, Dogville, Practical Magic, The Stepford Wives, The Peacemaker, etc.

Exceptions: To Die For, The Others

STEVEN SEAGAL (OR THIS GUY, WHO ATE HIM)

"I'm just a schnook."

Exceptions: Under Siege, Executive Decision (because he dies in the first half hour)

HONORABLE MENTIONS:

Lou Diamond Phillips (Striking Range, Alien Express, Red Water)
Gary Busey (anything)
Eddie Murphy (Norbit, The Adventures Of Pluto Nash, 1000 Words)
Jennifer Love Hewitt (The Tuxedo, Sister Act 2: Back In The Habit)
Lindsay Lohan (I Know Who Killed Me, Georgia Rule, Machete)
Eric Roberts (Phat Girlz, DOA: Dead Or Alive)


Based on this article at Maxim.com

7 comments:

  1. Steven Seagal (or this guy who ate him)!!! hahahahahah! I love you, Cary!

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  2. Yes, I agree about Robin Williams. He is one who seems to me to be at one extreme or the other with everything he does.

    "Gravity wins again" on the sideboard today cracked me up. I love the "I've fallen and I can't get up" baby in the portrait of the day too. Especially since the older sibling seems to be amused by the situation. HA! :-D

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  3. Maxim is a really lame magazine, though. The Steven Seagal bit was funny.

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  4. I can't disagree with any of these. "Like having Jell-O pudding pops shoved up your cornhole." I can think of a few occasions when that might feel good, but the Cos should definitely stick to TV and stand-up.

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  5. Yeah, LDP's career really came off the rails after he did the Young Guns movies and La Bamba. He has redeemed himself somewhat with that new TV show Longmire.

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  6. Foul as 99% of her output (musical and cinematic) is, Jennifer Lopez actually made a good movie - Out of Sight. I suppose the combination of Elmore Leonard, Steven Soderbergh, and George Clooney smothered JLo's nightmarish lack of talent.

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  7. As foul as 99% of her output (musical and cinematic) is, Jennifer Lopez has made one good movie - Out of Sight. I suppose the combination of Elmore Leonard, Steven Soderbergh, and George Clooney smothered the curse of JLo's conspicuous lack of talent.

    ReplyDelete

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