Thursday, January 31, 2013

Craigslist Ad Of The Day: You Farted In The Dairy Section

Thanks for the link, Jody Love.

CL > madison > all personals > missed connections

Posted: 2013-01-26, 1:51PM CST

You farted in the dairy section - m4w

I needed some milk. You were there. And you were cute.

I noticed you as I neared the shelves. How could I not? Petite, pretty, poised... other good things that start with p... there was a lot to like. You saw me approaching and smiled (p)olitely. I smiled back. I thought there might be a connection, but I wasn't sure where to go with it.

Then it hit me.

At first I thought some eggs had gone bad. My timid "hello" was cut short by gag reflex. My nostrils burned. Interest gave way to survival as I grabbed a half gallon and hastily fled the corner. A shame, I thought, with watery eyes.

Five minutes later, in clearer skies and with clearer head, I realized I'd grabbed 1% instead of the 2% I'd wanted. Not enough percents. I would have to go back.

So go back I did. I winced as I again neared the shelf, but this time no insidious aroma assaulted my senses. I leaned apprehensively toward the eggs and sniffed. Nothing. Everything as it should be.

Only then did the unthinkable occur to me: that cute little butt had birthed a monster, cloaked in a veil of brimstone incense. I was astonished... and, in spite of myself, impressed. You had floated an air biscuit of a stupendous caliber, the kind spoken of in hushed tones over flagons of mead in firelit taverns of yore.

Had those men of men been witness to such flatulence - from such a fair specimen of womanhood, no less - surely new legends would have circulated that day. Or at least new air.

I understand now why your hair is so curly. Should you want companionship when you shop for new undergarments - surely the ones you wore that day are now scorched and charred - I would be honored to accompany such a remarkable creature.

You were magnificent.


  1. "the kind spoken of in hushed tones over flagons of mead in firelit taverns of yore"
    Hahaha! Sounds like they'd be a good match.

  2. "Cloaked in a veil of brimstone incense." How poetic. :)



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