Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Craigslist Ad Of The Day: Artist Needed


best of craigslist > hawaii >


Artist needed. Must love owls.



Date:


Imagine yourself driving through taro fields with King Kamehameha watching after you. He turns to you and requests this in Hawaiian.


We need an artist to depict the following: an owl skeleton with a parrot on its shoulder. The parrot is not a skeleton and is very colorful. The parrot has a peg leg, with a pirate hat on.

The owl has an eye patch and a gold chain necklace with a skull on the pendant of said necklace. The skull in the pendant has an eye patch on the opposite eye of the owl (long story there don't ask). The owl skeleton also has on a wizard's hat with that typical wizard hat wrinkle. The owl is standing on a cowboy hat from a whale's spout.

This all is within a snow globe that Santa is holding with his only good hand because his other hand is a hook. Mrs. Claus is pulling on Mr. Claus' coat with one of those dinosaur mouth grabbers that all 80's children know.


If you can draw this we will pay you and give you a prize.


Creative Movie Dialogue Edits Of The Day

Bad edits of swear words. Further proof that some movies just don't belong on network TV.


CASINO

Original: “Fuck me? Fuck me? You motherfucker!”
Edit: “Forget me? Forget you, you mother forgetter!”

Original: "Fuck you! Fuck you, Sam Rothstein! Fuck you!"
Edit: "Freak you! Freak you, Sam Rothstein! Freak you!"

THE BREAKFAST CLUB

Original: “Do you slip her the hot beef injection?”

Edit: “Did you slip her the hot wild affection?”

VACATION

Original: “Fuck yo mama!”

Edit: “Man, who do I look like, Christopher Columbo?”

THE USUAL SUSPECTS

Original: “Hand me the keys, you fucking cocksucker!”

Edit: “Hand me the keys, you fairy godmother!” or "Hand me the keys, you fuzzy sock-sucker!"

DO THE RIGHT THING

Original: “Motherfucker”

Edit: “Mickey Fickey”



THE BIG LEBOWSKI

Original: “This is what happens when you fuck a stranger in the ass!”

Edit: “This is what happens when you fight (or find) a stranger in the Alps” or “This is what happens when you pump a stranger’s gas”

THE BLUES BROTHERS

Original: "I wasn't lying. I was bullshittin'."
Edit: "I wasn't lying. I was bamboozlin'."

LIAR LIAR

Original: "All right, I admit it. I fucked her brains out."
Edit: "All right, I admit it. I kissed her brains out."

THE EXORCIST

Original: “Your mother sucks cocks in Hell, Karras, you faithless slime.”

Edit: “Your mother sews socks that smell, you faithless slime.”



SNAKES ON A PLANE

Original: “Enough is enough! I have had it with these motherfucking snakes on this motherfucking plane!”

Edit: “Enough is enough! I have had it with these monkey-fighting snakes on this Monday to Friday plane!”

THELMA & LOUISE

Original: "Suck. my. dick."
Edit: "Clean. my. clock."

SMOKEY AND THE BANDIT

Original: "You sumbitch!"
Edit: "You scum-buzzard!"

SCARFACE

Original: “Where’d you get the beauty scar, tough guy? Eatin’ pussy?”
Edit: “Where’d you get the beauty scar, tough guy? Eatin’ pineapple?”

Original: “This town like a great big pussy just waiting to get fucked”

Edit: “This town like a great big chicken just waiting to get plucked.”



DIE HARD

Original:“Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker!!!”

Edit: “Yippee-ki-yay, Mr. Falcon!!!” or "Yippee-ki-yay, melon farmer!"

LETHAL WEAPON

Original: "We bury the fuckers!"
Edit: "We bury the funsters!"

THE GODFATHER

Original: "I don't want my brother coming out of there with just his dick in his hands."
Edited: "I don't want my brother coming out of there with just a stick in his hands."

Helpful Chart Of The Day: Two Paths

Coquettery. From the French word coq, which means penis. Coquettery = dickery. Coq au vin = dick wine.


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