Thursday, August 9, 2012

Troll Translator Of The Day

Politically incorrect amusement from E-Mails From An Asshole and Cajun Willie.


Glorious Master Translator
 
Original ad:

I need someone who speaks japanese to help me translate something. wont take too long. please email me ASAP!

From Me to Scott:

Hi! You need Japanese translate? I Chan, I help you with translate.

- Chan

From Scott to me:

hey chan. so ok heres the deal. my cd player suddenly stopped working and i cant figure out why. for some reason the only manual i have is entirely in japanese. i took a pic of the page im pretty sure its the trouble shooting part. can you see if it says anything about no sound coming from the output?



From Me to Scott:

Ok, I find three thing may help you:

"Failure of Sound from Device"
"Skipping of disc for poor sound"
"Sound volume low very much"

- Chan

From Scott to me:

umm..what does it say for the failure of sound one?

From Me to Scott:

Hello and thank you for chose glorious master CD player! Apologies many for trouble of product. To fix failure of the sound, follow step:

1. Unplug glorious master CD player
2. Plug glorious master CD player back in

I hope this help!

- Chan

From Scott to Me:

that doesnt help me at all. is that all it says?

From Me to Scott:

Oh no! Very sorry. There more steps to help you! Here:

"If still experience failure of the sound, your glorious master CD player possessed by audio demon. To banish audio demon, follow step:

1. Ignite seven candle
2. Pray to Benzaiten, Goddess of Music
3. Benzaiten will banish audio demon to eternal suffering
4. Try play CD again

If you fail banishing of audio demon, you failure. Much dishonor of family name. Suggest immediate death by Seppuku."

I hope you banish audio demon! Much luck.

- Chan

From Scott to Me:

wtf? does it really say that?

From Me to Scott:

I just translate what you give.

From Scott to Me:

no way it says that. what kind of useless manual is this? how is that supposed to help anyone?

From Me to Scott:

Very sorry, audio demon big problem with many CD player! I have sword, much sharp, good for seppuku. You want borrow?

From Scott to Me:

wtf are you talking about. an audio demon? this is BS. are you screwing with me?

From Scott to Me:

did i send the wrong page? i think this is the table of contents. can you look at this and tell me which page is the troubleshooting one? then ill send you that one



From Me to Scott:

That no table of content, that Sushi take-out menu! Try #16, Spicy Salmon Roll! Much delicious!

From Scott to Me:

..........ok buddy. thanks for nothing you jackass



Later, from another email account


From 'Mike' to Scott:

Hey there,

I saw your ad and think I can help you. I majored in Japanese in college, speak it fluently, and lived in Miyazaki for two years.

Mike

From Scott to me:

thanks so much mike. i was talking to someone else for help, but idk what his problem was. dude kept sending me all this BS. anyway my cd player isnt working and the manual is only in japanese so i need help reading the troubleshooting part. i think the attached picture is the table of contents, could you see if it says what page the troubleshooting part is on and then ill send you that?



From Me to Scott:

You sent me a sushi take-out menu. Are you sure you have the right documents?

From Scott to me:

wtf!!! i dont know what is going on! it has a picture of the cd player on the front and then this is the next page. why would they put a sushi menu in there?

From Me to Scott:

Japanese instruction manuals are not like the American manuals you are used to. They often include advertisements, and I guess in this case, a sushi menu. Looking at it closer, it says "Thank you for purchasing this glorious master CD player. Why not order sushi while you enjoy music?"

Mike

From Scott to me:

well that is dumb...whatever. i think this page is the troubleshooting part because of the tables. am i right? do you see anything about there not being any sound?



From Me to Scott:

Yes, this is the right page. It says to unplug it and plug it back in.

Mike

From Scott to me:

yea i did that. nothing. is that it?

From Me to Scott:

Well, you're not gonna want to hear this, but it says your CD player is possessed by Amanojaku, or "audio demon." You should light three candles and pray to Benzaiten, the god of music.

Mike

From Me to Scott:

Scott? Were you able to banish the audio demon?
.

Vid Of The Day: Celebs Read Nasty Tweets About Themselves

And cry.


.

My Word Verifications Of The Day

A few captchas I saved from Facebook over the years.


"No, Mr. Urinated, I do not have a pair of shorts you can borrow."


"Oh my God," said the Lone Ranger, after Tonto scalped the wrong guy, "You are such an Apache."


"Fine," sighed the frustrated R.A. "If you knuckleheads can't remember to flush your nasty dumps, I'll just let the Potties Administration handle it."


Rob sad. Rob jump. Rob splat.


"I am Capt. Jean-Luc Picard of the USS Enterprise. My mission: To baldly go where no baldy has gone before."


"Don't be actin' all chastely and shit. I know you pulled a train at the Lambda house last night."


"You give a guy 14 buenos and one malo, and what does he remember? The malo."


"Well, well, aren't we the ambitious cocoanut," said the CEO to the mail room noob after she offered to blow him for a promotion.


"I wish someone would pay me to sit around all day scratching my nuts and making hilario."


"What fuckin' bumpkin agency did you come from?" Lawrence asked the temp in sweat pants.


The Divvied And The Damned... weeksdays on CBS.


Many are, yes. You don't want them explained, trust me.


"Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it, tiny mango?"


A Martin Scorsese film


"Sherri work!" she said, adjusting her thong. "You go now. Scare off Sherri customer."


Just like Grandpa's wiener


"I'm not starting Renshaw," bellowed Coach. "He couldn't find the ball if it was up his ass!"

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