Horrible Couple Really Wants Wedding To Reflect Their Personalities
CHICAGO—According to recently engaged and utterly smug shitheads Ross Bird and Jessica Black, the couple wants their upcoming nuptials to be not just a wedding, but also a true reflection of who they are as human beings.
“We want to throw out all the wedding conventions that don’t scream ‘Jess and Ross,’” the utterly contemptible Black said Thursday, adding that the couple’s “uniqueness” will be mirrored in every aspect of the ceremony.
“From the drinks served in mason jars, to the sparklers we’re handing out to everyone when it gets dark, this is going to be a wedding only we could have.”
“We want it to be a celebration of our love,” the unbearable woman continued. “But we also want it to be fun and quirky, just like us!”
The couple told reporters the insufferably precious ceremony will include readings from Walt Whitman’s Leaves Of Grass, a 10-minute silent meditation on each wedding guest’s own conception of love, and a forcibly lighthearted accordion wedding march expected to last for nearly 20 minutes.
And, as if an Instagram photo booth were an insufficient demonstration of the pair’s inveterate awfulness, the couple reportedly plans a build-your-own Vietnamese sandwich bar and a “summer-lovin’ casual” dress code.
“Jess and I both want the ceremony to feel more like a crazy, fun dance party with our friends than a stuffy wedding,” said Bird, apparently unaware of just how colossally irritating he comes off while he is speaking. “And we’re hiring an authentic Appalachian mountain music band for the reception, because I love Appalachian music, but get this: They’re going to play ’80s pop songs.”
“How awesome is that?” Bird actually had the nerve to ask. “It’s just so us, you know?”
After being told that Madonna was singing the Die Another Day theme in 2002: “Are we going to need ear plugs?”
To female sea cadet last year: “Do you work in a strip club?”
At a project to protect turtle doves in Anguilla in 1965, he said: “Cats kill far more birds than men. Why don’t you have a slogan: ‘Kill a cat and save a bird?’”
To President of Nigeria, who was in national dress, 2003: “You look like you’re ready for bed!”
To expats in Abu Dhabi last year: “Are you running away from something?”
In Canada in 1976: “We don’t come here for our health.”
On the Duke of York’s house, 1986: “It looks like a tart’s bedroom.”
To a British trekker in Papua New Guinea, 1998: “You managed not to get eaten then?”
Using Hitler’s title to address German chancellor Helmut Kohl in 1997, he called him: “Reichskanzler.”
On the 1981 recession: “A few years ago, everybody was saying we must have more leisure, everyone’s working too much. Now everybody’s got more leisure time they’re complaining they’re unemployed. People don’t seem to make up their minds what they want.”
To then Paraguay dictator General Stroessner: “It’s a pleasure to be in a country that isn’t ruled by its people.”
To Cayman Islanders: “Aren’t most of you descended from pirates?”
To Scottish driving instructor, 1995: “How do you keep the natives off the booze long enough to pass the test?”
A VIP at a local airport asked HRH: “What was your flight, like, Your Royal Highness? Philip: “Have you ever flown in a plane?” VIP: “Oh yes, sir, many times.” “Well,” said Philip, “it was just like that.”
“I’d like to go to Russia very much – although the bastards murdered half my family.” 1967.
On how difficult it is in Britain to get rich: “What about Tom Jones? He’s made a million and he’s a bloody awful singer.”
Turning down food, 2000: “No, I’d probably end up spitting it out over everybody.”
Asking Cate Blanchett to fix his DVD player because she worked “in the film industry”, 2008: “There’s a cord sticking out of the back. Might you tell me where it goes?”
His description of Beijing, during a visit there in 1986: “Ghastly.”
On Princess Anne, 1970: “If it doesn’t fart or eat hay, she isn’t interested.”
To a group of industrialists in 1961: “I’ve never been noticeably reticent about talking on subjects about which I know nothing.”
“I don’t think a prostitute is more moral than a wife, but they are doing the same thing.” 1988.
While stuck in a Heriot Watt University lift in 1958: “This could only happen in a technical college.”
To the General Dental Council in 1960: “Dontopedalogy is the science of opening your mouth and putting your foot in it, which I’ve practised for many years.”
You are getting very sleepy. I might've put something in your cocoa.
John-John not happy. When John-John not happy, big people die.
You better watch it. The last guy who pissed me off won't be pissing anybody off anymore, if you get my meaning ::wink::
at these eyes. Do I look like someone who would creep into your room at
night, climb up into your bed oh-so-quietly, and smother you with a
pillow while you kick and flail and try to pry my murderous arms off
Uh-oooh. Did that hurt? Silly hatchet.
Who, us? We're not up to anything, nope. :::whistling:::
I told you my eyes hurt.
Of course I wasn't moving. I'm a doll. Go back to sleep.
Little Miss No Name. I'm sad that I have no name. You'll be sad when you have no head.
Why did you leave me in the tanning bed, Mommy, why?
Heh heh HEY! Just writing your suicide note. ::giggle:: .