Tuesday, July 10, 2012

News: Keith Richards' Housekeeper Has Braced Herself For Finding Dead Body Every Morning Since 1976

I love The Onion.


Keith Richards' Housekeeper Has Braced Herself For Finding Dead Body Every Morning Since 1976

WESTON, CT—Since her first day on the job in October 1976, Keith Richards' housekeeper Rosemary Velasquez, 64, has mentally and emotionally prepared herself every single day to find the hard-living Rolling Stones guitarist lying dead somewhere in his home.

"Each morning before I leave for work, I look in the mirror, take a deep breath, and think to myself, 'Rosemary, you could very well find Keith Richards' dead body today," Velasquez told reporters Thursday, adding that from the moment she was first hired by a "nearly comatose" Richards, she began steeling herself for the inevitable discovery of the guitarist's wiry corpse in his bedroom or kitchen.

"It's never been a question of if I would find him dead, but where and how soon."

Velasquez said her workday begins as she pulls into Richards' driveway and braces herself for the potential sight of his stark-naked cadaver sprawled out on his front lawn.

From there, after gathering her supplies, she takes a quick peek into the backyard, where she fears she will find Richards floating lifelessly face down in his swimming pool.

The housekeeper said that as she goes about her work, she takes a moment to collect herself before opening every door and pulling back each shower curtain. If a door is locked, she noted, she leaves it be and prays it's not locked the next day.

According to Velasquez, anytime she smells an odor other than alcohol or stale cigarette smoke, she immediately imagines a scenario in which the odor gets stronger and stronger, leading her to a closet with a week-old dead body inside.

"In the late '70s, especially, there were a few close calls where I would find little droplets of Mr. Richards' blood leading to his bedroom, and I would tell myself, 'Today is the day,'" Velasquez said. "He'd usually be lying there with a needle sticking out of his arm, but somehow he would always still be breathing. So I would call an ambulance."

"I've had to call 911 at least 30 times since I started working here," she added. "I have to admit, over the years there's been a lot more gunplay around this place than I'd care for."


(More here.)
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News Of The Day: Woman Arrested In Bible Thumping Of Baptist Pastor

When in doubt, hit 'em with scripture. From The Smoking Gun.


Woman Arrested In Bible Thumping Of Baptist Pastor

JULY 5--A 64-year-old woman is facing an assault charge after allegedly striking a pastor in the head with a Bible during a dispute inside a Baptist church in Tennessee.

Cops busted Ina Garrett for the alleged Bible thumping of Rev. Leon Taylor, who heads the Mt. Zion Baptist Church in Selmer (pop. 4396), a city 100 miles east of Memphis.

Garrett, pictured at right, was scheduled to appear today in General Sessions Court in connection with the misdemeanor criminal count.

According to a court complaint, McNairy County Sheriff’s Department deputies were summoned to the church in late-May to deal with a “lady that was unwanted.”

Taylor told investigators that Garrett had been voted out of the church.

During the church confrontation, “Ms. Garrett took her Bible and threw it at Mr. Taylor hitting him in the face.” Taylor then took a swing at Garrett, but did not make contact.

After a brief detour to a local hospital, Garrett was transported by a sheriff’s deputy to the county jail, where she was charged with “assault on the preacher Mr. Taylor.”

In a TV interview, Garrett copped to striking Taylor in the head. “He’s got the demon in him,” she explained.

Goofy Sex Tips For Men (Of The Day)

From Jezebel: "We recently took a break from our regularly scheduled mockery to focus our taunting on Cosmopolitan magazine and some of the less...astute sex advice they've offered us over the years. It was a romp. We painted our breasts; we sexted; and we even slapped a couple dicks — and not too gently!"


"If you're out in public but want to make your intentions clear, slowly and firmly flick your tongue against the palm of her hand. If she just wipes it off down her skirt, you've blown it."

"According to new research, the smell of toast is a serious mood booster."

"Hold her gaze for a minute. If she's blinking more than normal (which is about 15 times a minute), there's a good chance she's on the Pill; women on birth control blink 32 percent more than those who aren't."

"Remember that chores around the house count as foreplay... when you do them, that is."

"After your workout, reinforce her rising T with a sweaty makeout session: male saliva has 10 to 15 times more testosterone than the female's does… So prolonged French kissing may give a woman enough of a boost in testosterone to stimulate her interest chemically."

"Pop your chap in a jar of Nutella, then present it to your lady. Be rewarded with a very enthusiastic blowjob."

"Adding a touch of danger to the day will stimulate dopamine in her brain, triggering her sex drive."

"Buy a half-inch camel-hair paintbrush at the art-supply store, dip it in chocolate sauce, and have her paint numbers on her body. Find your way in order by using your fingertips and mouth."

"Women need to warm up their feet and feel comfortable before they're in the mood for sex, a 2003 European study found." To warm up her trotters, you could ask her to "stretch one leg out to work on your johnson with her toes."

"Take a pearl necklace and '…lightly lubricate the pearls and your penis. Have your partner wrap the pearls around the shaft and slowly stroke up and down with a gentle rotation'."

Want to turn her on? "Rent private fighter jets and fly them."


"Hire a violinist to follow you and your woman around on the street."

"Cruise over to Craigslist's 'Casual Encounters' section and click on 'w4m' (perv-speak for 'women seeking men') to find headlines like 'I need a little slap and tickle.' All you have to do is respond."


Read more at Jezebel.
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