List Of The Day: 05/21/12

Monday, May 21, 2012

For The Love Of All That Is Holy, Please Stop Using These Words And Phrases On The Intrawebz

Give it a rest already. Seriously.

Please? I'll make you some cookies.

Amazeballs

Like dingleberries, but not as funny.

The Intrawebz
Guilty as charged.

See what I did there?
No, I'm a blind moron. Of course I saw it, and I was in the early stages of being impressed until you had to go and ruin it by jumping up and down and pointing at your own cleverness.

Totes

Totes are bags or umbrellas. Is it really that hard to say "totally"? Isn't "totally" slang enough without the cutesy abbreve? (See what I did there?)

DH
What does this even mean? Dead Husband? Deported Husband? Dickless Husband? Just say "my husband" or "the hubby" or even "hubs" so we don't have to guess at your meaning. Ditto "DD," "DS," "Boy Child," "Girl Child," etc. There are perfectly adequate ways to specify these people that have worked just fine for hundreds of years: "My husband." "My wife." "My son." "My daughter." If it ain't broke...

Cray-cray
Die-die.

WOOT!
I always kinda liked this one. I hate to give it up. But it's time, people.

I want to punch (whoever) in the throat
The person's throat has been fully punched now, thank you. Try another body part. "I want to punch somebody in the bladder." See? Much better.

Awesome sauce

Ugh. I've hated this one from the first time I heard it. I would even compromise and settle for "awesome broth," "awesome glaze," or "awesome marinade." But enough with the fucking sauce already. It's like dunking your sentence in off-brand mayonnaise.

That makes my teeth itch
Talking about your itchy teeth makes my balls itch, and I already scratch them enough, so please knock it off.

I just threw up in my mouth a little

You and 50 million other people. Did you know that this is the first sentence Al Gore typed on the internet after he invented it back in the 80s? I'm thinking it's time for something new. Besides, what you're describing is called reflux, not throwing up. So the next time something grosses you out, just say "Reflux!" or "Gag" or "Ick, my internal toilet just backed up into my mouth."

NTTAWWT (Not That There's Anything Wrong With That)
Seinfeld went off the air in 1998, folks. Just sayin'....

Just sayin'...
No shit, really? I thought maybe someone else was sayin' it and you were just lip-synching.

There are more. Which ones bug you?

News Of The Day: Man Mistakes Girlfriend For Hog, Shoots Her

Florida. Again. She didn't die, so he couldn't even eat her. Link from T-Nova.

Florida Man Mistakes Girlfriend For Hog, Shoots Her

Life at home for one Florida man got a lot more complicated when he accidentally shot his girlfriend in both legs thinking she was a hog.

Flagler County Sheriff’s deputies say 52-year-old Steven Egan was hog hunting Saturday night with girlfriend Lisa Simmons at a hunting camp off a rural county road in Flagler, in the northern part of the state.

Around 7:30 p.m., officials said, Egan shot at a hog and then left Simmons behind in the tent to go look for it.

When he heard a noise in the woods he fired his gun again, thinking it was the animal.

Unbeknown to Egan, Simmons had also left the tent to pick up loose oranges that had fallen from trees on the property. Instead of hitting his wild target, Egan struck his girlfriend in both legs with a .30-caliber bullet.

“He saw a hog and thought he shot it and went to look for it,” Maj. Steve Clair with the Flagler County Sheriff’s Office told ABCNews.com.

“He heard her and thought it was a hog and just shot.”

Simmons, of Brandon, had to be airlifted to the Halifax Health Medical Center for surgery and was listed in serious condition.

Authorities said they did not plan to charge Egan in the incident.

“He was very sympathetic that he’d shot his girlfriend,” Clair said. "It was an accident....just a violation of one of the cardinal rules of hunting which is you never shoot what you don’t see.”