Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Compilation Of The Day: Kenny Powers Insults (NSFW)

That fat fro-let wearing motherf**ker cracks me up. Clips from HBO's "Eastbound And Down."


Woman, 77, Arrested After Scuffle Over WalMart Parking Space

From BayNews9.com.



Fight over Walmart parking space ends in arrest of 77-year-old woman

April 18, 2012

PORT RICHEY -- Police say a fight over a parking space ended with an elderly woman driving around a Walmart parking lot with a man on her hood.

Harold Koller said he got cuts on his hands while clinging to the hood of a car as it drove recklessly through the Walmart parking in Port Richey Monday.

"I was laying on the hood. And I couldn't breathe," Koller says. "And I pleaded with her please just stop."

Koller says he ended up on the hood after 77-year-old Evelyn Danesi plowed into him.

According to police, the two argued over a parking space, one Koller insists he got to first.

Police say Danesi then keyed Koller's car in retaliation.

Koller says that's when he called police. But instead of waiting for them arrive, witnesses say Danesi took off, driving right into Koller.

Koller says he hung onto the hood while she allegedly drove through the parking lot making sharp turns and running over curbs.

"She explained to me that she thought the victim was going to do harm to her," says responding Port Richey Police Officer Gary Lush. "That's why she acted the way she did."

Police say Danesi finally stopped when she was cornered by bystanders. Koller says he never meant any harm. He says all he wanted was her information so he could get his car fixed.

"All she had to do was say, I'll wait for the cops," Koller says. "That's all I wanted."

Danesi has been charged with criminal mischief and assault with a deadly weapon. Bay News 9 could not reach her for comment.


An onlooker shot this video of the incident:


News Of The Day: Woman Sets Record For Longest Amount Of Time Spent Talking About Oneself (video)

From The Onion, of course. Raise your hand if you know someone like this.


7 Signs You've Given Up On Getting Laid

Not included: spending all your time on a blog and whining about how you never get laid. From The Smoking Jacket.

THE PRESENCE OF VELCRO

Shoes that stay on with a couple strips of Velcro are highly recommended—for the elderly, the brain-damaged or the shitfaced. If you’re none of those three, learn how to deal with a fucking pair of shoelaces. Or a shoehorn, at least. And if your wallet closes with a strip of Velcro, just end it already. What are you, 12? A grown man’s wallet has no hooks or loops, and it’s made of something called leather. Look into it.

A FUNKED-UP GRILL

If you have missing teeth, rotting teeth, fizzing teeth, teeth that are no longer teeth but disgusting black nubs, make it your number one priority to get to a dentist and have that shit taken care of. You don’t have to go to Elliott Yamin extremes, but the second you stop caring about the condition of your chiclets, you might as well forget about being within arm’s length of a naked woman ever again.

A CRAP RIDE

If you’re gonna commit to owning a vehicle, you must also commit all available monies (and available credit if necessary) to making sure it has a functioning muffler, is free of demolition-derby-size dents, has matching wheels and/or hubcaps, etc. And unless you’re on a stakeout, toss the fast food wrappers, coffee cups and used condoms into the proper receptacles pronto.

FAULTY BRAIN-TO-MOUTH FILTER

Going for broke is a studly thing to do—when you’re participating in a best-ball golf tournament or shooting craps at a Las Vegas casino. But when you sense some chemistry with a woman and you come at her with “so would you be open to an afternoon movie and you sucking my cock afterward” or “my friend and I would like to fuck you back at our hotel, at the same time,” verbalizing such scenarios is all you’ll ever do.

ELASTIC WAISTBANDS

There’s a reason why underwear has them and outerwear shouldn’t. Because they’re not meant to be seen, chief! Unless you’re at the gym, wearing sweatpants in public (or worse, wearing jeans or slacks that have elastic anywhere in the waistband region) screams to the world that you’re too lazy or fat to enlist or require the services of a belt.

YOUR AIM SUCKS

Leaving droplets of pee on the toilet seat, the rim of the toilet bowl and the surrounding floor in a public restroom doesn’t automatically eliminate you from the ranks of guys who get laid. But when you do so in your own home, you simply don’t care anymore. You’re really gonna expose a woman to that mess? Here’s a tip: you can wipe more than just your ass with toilet paper. Try it sometime.

PAPER AND PLASTIC

Certain things should never be used inside the home. Gas-powered generators, for example. Because they’ll kill you. The same goes for plastic eating utensils, paper plates and anything else that might be utilized to consume food at a picnic. The sheer sloth of using this stuff under your own roof is beyond comprehension. If you find yourself doing so, go ahead and stick a plastic fork in your dick, because it’s done.

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