Wednesday, March 14, 2012

News Story Of The Day: Blame It On The Beebs

From The Smoking Gun.



Busted Man Says Injury Caused By Justin Bieber Doll

MARCH 12--A cop who was arrested for assaulting his live-in girlfriend claimed that the victim had attacked him with a Justin Bieber doll during a confrontation in the couple’s Colorado home.

Michael Nuanes, 37, described his girlfriend as the aggressor in the January incident, according to an Adams County Sheriff’s Office affidavit.

Nuanes, a Denver Police Department officer, told deputies that his girlfriend had “thrown things, pushed him, shoved him, grabbed him, bit him, slapped him with an open hand, attempted to strangle him and beat him up.”

Nuanes, investigators reported, “pointed out a ‘Justin Beiber’ doll which was the item used to injure him.” He claimed that the thrown Bieber doll--the size of a standard Barbie doll--left him with a “bruise on the outside middle part” of his left foot.

When cops interviewed the 42-year-old victim, she reported that Nuanes picked a fight with her over “ultimatums” that included her changing her Facebook status to indicate that she was in a relationship with Nuanes.

During a subsequent tussle, the woman told deputies, Nuanes grabbed her by the hair, threw her to the ground, and punched her in the ribs. A deputy photographed the victim’s injuries, which included bruises on her head, back, arm, and chest.

Nuanes was charged with domestic violence and criminal mischief. He was also named in a mandatory protection order barring him from contacting the victim.

Since he was also ordered not to possess a firearm, Nuanes has been placed on desk duty by Denver police brass.

Beer Ad Of The Day: Guinness (video)

Good stuff from Emmi and Buzzfeed.


What Your Favorite Classic Rock Band Says About You

From McSweeney's Internet Tendency.

What Your Favorite Classic Rock Band Says About You

By John Peck




The Doors: You have been bitten by an animal while trying to get it stoned.

The Who: You own a Goldwing with a baby-changing station.

Ted Nugent: Your hair has at some point been caught in a ceiling fan, boat propeller, or lathe.

The Rolling Stones: You own three cars and no stereo.

Canned Heat: You own three stereos and no car.

Cream: You know a guy who knows a guy who worked on Star Wars.

Journey: You own those running shoes that are shaped like feet.

Lynyrd Skynyrd: You somehow have both long hair and a sunburned scalp.

Yes: Your ideal partner would be into both tantric sex and fat guys.

The Beatles: You can do exactly 1.5 pull-ups.

Badfinger: You are a Beatle.

Deep Purple: Some part of a law named after a young girl applies to you.

Led Zeppelin: The first three things you smoked were banana peels, catnip, and poppies, in that order.

Jimi Hendrix: You are under 20 or over 65.

The Kinks: You have bad teeth and are good in bed.

The Guess Who: You have good teeth and are bad in bed.

Black Sabbath: Your greatest joy is painting unventilated rooms.

David Bowie: There is still, somewhere, a Dig Dug or Zaxxon machine with your high score on it.

Mott the Hoople: You are David Bowie.

The Grateful Dead: Your stories about the seventies make your daughter's roommates at Tufts very uncomfortable.

T-Rex: No matter how much you clean, there will always be trace amounts of glitter on your stove and blender.

The Eagles: You can only reach orgasm while listening to talk radio.

The Moody Blues: You are a former volunteer at the Liberace museum, a serial killer, or both.

Pink Floyd: Your garage is full of failed versions of your stereo/barbecue hybrid.

ZZ Top: Your favorite Hank Williams is Hank Williams, Jr.

Chicago: You are incapable of talking about Chicago without mentioning their horn section.

Quicksilver Messenger Service: You become sullen when people don't stick around while you fix their vacuum cleaners.

Crosby, Stills & Nash: You own an oversized hat.

Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young: You own three or more oversized hats.

Jefferson Airplane: You make your living buying and selling oversized hats.

Thin Lizzy: You are often forced to change or cancel your plans due to "NO LOITERING" signs.

AC/DC: You only remove your socks to shower, and then only reluctantly.

Aerosmith: You know a store that still sells puffy Reeboks.

Van Halen: You have a Peeing Calvin bumper sticker on your Jeep.

Sammy Hagar: You have a Peeing Calvin bumper sticker on your Subaru Brat.

Bachman-Turner Overdrive: You have an actual urine stain on your Subaru Brat.

Uriah Heep: You are the cause of the urine stain.

Santana: You have had an hours-long conversation with someone before realizing it was just a pile of clothes.

Rainbow: You have worn sweatpants to a funeral.

Foreigner: You have a severely wrinkled Jane Fonda poster under your bed.

Bad Company: You have sustained several alcohol-related injuries involving sheetrock.

Styx: You have a severely wrinkled Foreigner poster under your bed.

Allman Brothers Band: You do not own a bong, but can quickly make one from a piece of fruit or an abandoned toilet.

Creedence Clearwater Revival: You are frequently missing part of an eyebrow.

Rush: You carry a small flashlight everywhere, and use it at least three times a day.

Blue Cheer: You have a subset of friends whose sole purpose is to hold your hair while you vomit.

Boston: Your best friend really likes Blue Cheer.

Jethro Tull: You have a favorite rune.

Steely Dan: You have snorted cocaine off a copy of Remembrance of Things Past.

Fleetwood Mac: You have snorted cocaine off a copy of The Hobbit.

Blue Oyster Cult: You have snorted cocaine off a copy of Type 2 Diabetes for Dummies.

Mountain: You have snorted cocaine off a Blue Oyster Cult record.

Nazareth: You have snorted cocaine off a member of Mountain.

Hawkwind: You sell cocaine to Nazareth fans.

Molly Hatchet: You sell baking soda to Hawkwind fans and tell them it's cocaine.

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