Thursday, March 8, 2012
Nice try, kid. You used to fool me with these. Not anymore. I might be slow but I'm not stupid.
Listed in order of popularity. When one doesn't work, she moves to the next one.
1. "My tummy hurts."
My reply: "I'll give you some Pepto-Bismol before you leave." She hates Pepto-Bismol.
2. "Actually, my head hurts worse."
Me: "I'll give you an Alka-Seltzer for your head and your tummy before you leave." She hates Alka-Seltzer.
3. "I'm really sleepy."
Me: "Fine, bedtime tonight at 7. Now get ready for school."
4. "Can I go in late? We don't really do anything important until after lunch."
Me: "Great, you can sleep in class until lunch."
5. "Everyone in class has been sick. I think I caught it."
Me: "Good, we don't have to worry about you catching it anymore. Hurry up before you miss the bus."
6. "Didn't you ever stay home from school sick?"
Me: "No. Never. I never stayed home. I could be coughing. I could be vomiting. I could have a fever of 257. My parents made me go to school. I could have the mumps or measles or a thousand hornet stings on my face. I went to school anyway. I could have walking pneumonia. I could have the boogie-woogie flu. I could be on fire. I went to school. I could have diarrhea and my mom would say, 'Better walk fast!' Blood could be squirting from my eye sockets and my dad would hand me a tissue and say 'Don't get any blood on your new school pants.' If I got my arm cut off they would hit me in the head with it and say 'Quit your whining!' then stuff it in my backpack and give me a Band-Aid on my way out the door. In twelve years of school I only had one absence and that one was only because I was trapped in a mine. I went to school, and so are you."
At that point she usually realizes she is beaten and starts getting dressed.