Monday, February 13, 2012
Some from Maxim.com, some are mine.
E-mail forwards are the herpes of the internet world. And just like in your everyday life, it's important to pin point who has herpes, so that you can avoid them. In an effort to help you do that, we've put together a list of the worst kinds of e-mail forward offenders.
Mr. Over-The-Top Gross Porno Friend
We all have an internet porn comfort zone. On average it encompasses everything from just regular boobies to a girl gagging on a heavy-duty wiener while getting rear-ended by another dude, or, at worst, a can of Milwaukee's Best. Anything past that though, just isn't wholesome to most people. This person, however, has no porn conscience, so he has no problems occasionally e-mailing you disturbing videos hidden under harmless titles. It's best to just block his e-mails entirely, because curiosity didn't just kill the cat, it arrested the pedophile. Usually the porn starts out fairly normal, then quickly gets bizarre, causing this thought process as you watch it; "OK.....OK...Nice ... Nice. ... Ah Yeah .... this is hot! Eat those pastries, eat tho- NO! OH GOD NO. WHAT THE? DELETE! DELETE! DELETE!."
Mrs. LOL 2 FUNNY!!!!!!!!!!!
I think whoever invented the exclamation point, Horatio Exclamationpoint or whoever, if they saw how it was being used now, they'd drive the first sharp object they could find through their chest. This person though, is not just excited to forward you a paragraph-and-a-half joke with a punch line you see coming from the first sentence, they're 12 exclamation points excited. Usually this e-mail is forwarded to about 47 other people, so at least take solace in the fact that 46 other people think this person is retarded.
Mr. Conspiracy Theorist
This guy scours the internet looking for the truth. Not the "logical and fact based truth," but the REAL truth. Somehow, remarkably the CIA just up and forgets to conceal documents and then these documents are available on websites, which this person then sends to you with the subject line "WAKE UP BRO." Inside the e-mail says things like "You actually think AIDS is real? The CIA created AIDS in a lab and shipped it to Africa to try and stop us from losing long distance running events in the Olympics." "You think the Nazis lost WWII? Nope, they just went undercover, then resurfaced and started Sav-On Drugs." Then when you respond with "Yeah, but the website link you sent me also had footage of Bigfoot working at the Olive Garden," they come back with "Well, that article is fake, but the rest of them are real."
Mrs. Hey Check Out This Evite!
The act of sending an E-vite is both an invitation and a test. For girls, it's a test of friendship. For guys, it's a test of your manhood, and if you have ever sent an E-vite, then you failed that test. E-vites often cost you time and stress when trying to decide whether to attend. Luckily, E-vites come with a built in solution: The "Maybe" button. Stop trying to make a decision and use this every time. The other thing you should know about E-vite is that every time you view the invitation, the host knows it. Meaning they know you opened it and didn't responded about coming to their baby showers. Know this. Also know that baby showers suck and are just another form of panhandling.
The Inspirational Poem From Your Mom
For most people, the internet was created for porno, a forum to misspell words, and to a lesser extent, information. But to your mom, the internet was created so that even when you're not around, she can let you know that you're incredibly special to her and that the sky is the limit through the sending of a shitty poem. Here's the thing: the sky is not the limit, and you realize that while you're sitting in a cubicle trying to figure out why you don't have the right version of Excel to open that TPS report you've been stuck doing for the last goddamn week. So, as you're dealing with this, when you receive a poem about a cat that ended up forging a relationship with a dog, it makes you want to throw your computer at a cat and kill it.
"Politics Is My Life" Guy
You know the type. They're like perverts, but instead of sex, everything leads back to politics. "Wanna go see The Hangover tonight? No thanks, that movie glamorizes the victimization of the lower classes by organized gambling," they write. "How about dinner then? No can do -- I'm on a hunger strike against higher taxes." "Ball game? Sorry, I'll be at a tea party." Every e-mail they send and every Facebook and Twitter post they make is about one thing only: Mother. Fucking. Politics. Except when they write to ask if you happen to know how to make a pipe bomb.
Mrs. IMPORTANT PASS THIS ON TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW!!
NEXT MONTH ALL CELL PHONE NUMBERS WILL BE MADE PUBLIC AND YOU WILL BE INUNDATED WITH SALES CALLS!!! WRITE CONGRESS NOW TO PROTEST THIS NEW LAW!! FORWARD THIS E-MAIL AND MAKE MONEY... BILL GATES WILL GIVE U A DOLLAR FOR EVERY FORWARD... MY FRIEND SENT ME THIS SECRET RECIPE FOR MRS. FIELD'S COOKIES.. etc etc. She falls for 'em all. "This is not a hoax! It was on Jay Leno!!"
Mr. Welcome To The Web (a.k.a. Al)
"You gotta see this! Hilarious!" his e-mail subject proclaims, and in the body he writes, "Seen this yet? Funniest thing ever!" Then you open the attached video and it's the Star Wars kid or the Numa-Numa guy or a clip from Birth Of A Nation. My buddy TheMovieGuru and I have a name for this kind of e-mail: we call it "Al," as in Gore, the guy who invented the internet, as in, "This vid/link/photo/etc. is so ancient, it's one of the first things Al Gore put on the internet after he invented it." I'll send him something I think is new and he'll reply, "Thanks, Al." Then he'll send me something even older and I'll reply, "Thanks, Al's great-great-grandfather."
Who are we missing?