Tuesday, December 4, 2012

Study: Everyone, Everything Linked To Paranoia

I knew it! From The Onion.


BALTIMORE—According to a study published Tuesday in The New England Journal Of Medicine, researchers at Johns Hopkins University have succeeded in conclusively linking everyone and everything everywhere to paranoia.

The comprehensive 11-month study—which was designed to establish that it’s all tied to paranoia, all of it, and absolutely everyone is in on it—was able to connect extreme cases of paranoid behavior with the government, the media, doctors, Palestine, the meat industry, stoplights, and everything in existence, all working together, conspiring against us.

“Our research shows statistically significant correlations between episodes of paranoia and fast food chains, Time magazine, the growing military-industrial-media complex that holds all Americans hostage, honeybees, my mother, and China,” said an unshaven, disheveled Dr. Adam Crane, lead author of the paper.

“During routine tests, we saw that not only was frantic suspicion and extreme distress a symptom of everything being part of one big conspiracy, but it was also a direct response to the fact that everyone in the world, here and in other countries, is watching us right now at this very moment.”


(continued here)

2 comments:

  1. Stoplights!! Aha! Finally, some proof! :)

    ReplyDelete
  2. I suspected as much all along. That's why I turn the lights out when I use the bathroom. You gotta do what you can.

    ReplyDelete

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