Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Things You Do In Your 20s That You'll Regret In Your 40s

Good advice from COED magazine. Great advice, actually. Read it and believe it, younguns. Trust me on this.

Old timers: what would you add to this list?


She was so smokingly hot, your F’ing crotch could’ve spontaneously combusted at any moment. And the fact that she was untouchable -- lest you ruin the entire friendship you and your best buddy had built up since you were six -- made her all the more desirable. But one day, they broke up. And all of a sudden, you were spending your days holding hands and helping her pick out duvet covers. You and “that asshole” Mr. Ex stopped talking. Time goes by. Then some afternoon you come home to find her blowing a guy from the laundromat.


The piercing you either got at the mall or did in your friend Tim’s basement with a safety pin just wasn’t cool enough, so you switched to 16-gauge hoops, then to 14, and before you knew it, you’ve shoved the biggest g*ddamn thing that doesn’t look like it will give you herpes through your ear lobe like you’re from f**king Ethiopia. But beware: once you’ve finally decided to take out the massive disks in your ears, your lobes will be so stretched, you’ll have to have them sew-up to keep from looking like you have a shriveled butt hole on each ear.


Americans all seem to be addicted to screwing ourselves over by constantly buying stupid shit we can't afford. It might seem harmless at the moment, when your biggest commitment in life is getting drunk and/or laid, but someday when you have a family to support and sending your kids to college is suddenly slopped on your plate, you’re going to be eating a giant sh!t sandwich.


You meet the woman of your dreams. You spend all your time with her; she gets all your jokes. And pretty soon, she’s on the pill and you’re living under the same roof, picking out paint for the dining room, secretly wondering what the hell happened to your manhood. Before you know it, you’re d*ck deep in webcam girl bills and pleated khakis.


If you didn’t know smoking kills you by now, then you probably deserve whatever fate becomes you. Whatever. The thing the never-smokers don’t understand is, smoking is good for the soul, dammit! (Unfortunately, you only think that because you’re addicted to nicotine.) But unless you’re some type of endlessly-going genetic anomaly, THIS SH!T WILL KILL YOU.


It’s hard to realize when you’re 21, but the time for whisking off to foreign lands with nothing to worry about besides which awesome thing to see next quickly evaporates. Before you know it, you’re still in the same place you were seven years before, but with too many responsibilities to get away with jetting off to India for six months, just for the hell of it. 

(List continues at COED magazine)


  1. Wasting way too much time and way too much money on stupid things would be on my list. I wish I had been better about setting priorities and focusing on goals instead of frittering away so much precious time.

  2. Fantastic! I love the piercing, said the girl with a hole in her upper lip...AND the MPOD made me crack up!

  3. MODERATION!!! Whatever you do, do it in moderation! Your skin, your soul and your heart will thank you at 40!!!!

    1. oh... and your HEALTH will thank you too!!!

  4. OMG I'm reading along like "check...check...check."

    sigh. Youth is wasted on the young.

  5. I'm surrounded by undergrads in my new job as a resident advisor (I'm a grad student) and there is no end to the parade of people with tattoos they will regret once they realize they've bodyarted themselves out of gainful employment.

    And don't get me started on the gaping-hole-in-the-earlobe piercing. I really never got that one. I've got two pinprick-sized holes in my left earlobe, fallout from the 1990s, and that's as far as I'll ever go.

  6. Thanks to getting married too young, and too fast, I've spent years trying to paying off bills and repairing my credit that was damaged by my ex, and a couple of grand getting rid of a regrettable tattoo designed by said ex. I especially hate it when people say...."The past was terrible, but I wouldn't change a thing." Those people are idiots.

  7. Banging the wrong MILF, Not learning a foreign language (Una cerveza, por favor - doesn't count). The rest of them don't apply to me. I'm lucky I guess.

  8. Oh God, yes, please, those of you who think it's fun to party so hard you don't remember what day it is and how you ended up covered in vomit and snow, and two girls you don't remember ever knowing, know this: you could either 1: look upon those days later nostalgically, or 2: have a stroke at 26 and feel like a real looser.
    Just sayin



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