Wednesday, October 3, 2012

Things We Masturbated To Before We Had Access To Porn (Of The Day)

From The Frisky

"Before the invention of the world wide web, before we even knew porn existed, you best believe we were masturbating. And in a lot of creative ways. We feel bad for the young people today who can just log onto their computers and have a world of whack off materials with a single click. "Back in the olden days," we'll brag to our kids, "we had to use our imaginations to stimulate our genitals."

LATE NIGHT SKINEMAX MOVIES

If you were fortunate enough to grow up in a house with cable, and were doubly blessed to have it in your bedroom, you made excuses to stay in on Saturday nights and wait until everyone was sleeping to watch movies like "Hard Ticket to Hawaii" or "Gas Pump Girls" on Cinemax.

THE SIMS

"I would force my Sims characters to have sex in the kitchen and then masturbate to the blurred out image and chirping Sims sex sounds." --Anonymous

JC PENNEY'S/SEAR CATALOGS

Full coverage bras, control top underwear and girdles. Mmmmnnnn. But seriously. Hot, young juniors in the Sears catalogue in their PANTIES! A young man's paradise!

ROMANCE NOVELS

Christopher Pike books, some weird subscription romance novels that were delivered to my house/purchased for a dime at a garage sale, my grandmother's copy of Lucky Chances by Jackie Collins or any VC Andrews paperback. The sex scenes from these were all on the wank list.

HUMAN ANATOMY BOOKS

"My friend's dad was a doctor and he had an illustrated anatomy book in his study. We found the page with penises and vaginas and then I would go home and touch myself and think about it." -- Anonymous

THE SPICE CHANNEL

Even if you didn't get it, you could still sometimes hear the sounds of sex and moaning through the scrambled signal if you sat close to the TV. That was enough.

LINGERIE CIRCULARS
 
You stared the pictures until you were certain you could make out a faint nipple or bush through the fabric. You couldn't.


See the rest here

What other ways did we find to take care of business?
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9 comments:

  1. Fredericks of Hollywood!!! Wheeeee!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. ^This. Definitely this!^
      I used to stare at these before I even knew what masturbating was or how to touch myself. True story.

      Delete
  2. We always had cable (thanks, Dad!) and Harlequin Romance novels (thanks, Mom!)

    ReplyDelete
  3. The Joy of Sex books (and yes, Frederic's of Hollywood too)

    ReplyDelete
  4. We spent far too much time trying to see something through the scrambled Spice channel video. Sometimes you could hear, sometimes you couldn't. It was a lot of work for not much payoff, but desperate times call for desperate measures. Or so I have heard.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. When I was 13 a buddy of mine built one of those cable descrambler boxes you can buy the plans for. Guess whose house we all slept over at nearly every weekend?

      For years his mom couldn't figure out why he was so popular. When she found out she was pissed.

      Delete
  5. I nabbed my fathers penthouse and playboy.

    Also, when VHS tapes came around, he had a few of those as well.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Totally agree with Cary. I spent a lot of time pretending I understood what was going on behind all that static and white noise on The Movie Channel and Showtime. HBO didn't have as many late-night nudies back then, but there were enough topless women in Conan to make up for it!

    ReplyDelete
  7. Sears Catalogs FTW! Especially the Christmas Wish book - that got a workout all year long.

    ReplyDelete

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