Friday, October 5, 2012

Rant: It's Decorative Gourd Season, Motherf**kers!

From Colin Nissan and McSweeney's. Another fine link from Rachael P.


I don’t know about you, but I can’t wait to get my hands on some fucking gourds and arrange them in a horn-shaped basket on my dining room table. That shit is going to look so seasonal. I’m about to head up to the attic right now to find that wicker fucker, dust it off, and jam it with an insanely ornate assortment of shellacked vegetables. When my guests come over it’s gonna be like, BLAMMO! Check out my shellacked decorative vegetables, assholes. Guess what season it is—fucking fall. There’s a nip in the air and my house is full of mutant fucking squash.

I may even throw some multi-colored leaves into the mix, all haphazard like a crisp October breeze just blew through and fucked that shit up. Then I’m going to get to work on making a beautiful fucking gourd necklace for myself. People are going to be like, “Aren’t those gourds straining your neck?” And I’m just going to thread another gourd onto my necklace without breaking their gaze and quietly reply, “It’s fall, fuckfaces. You’re either ready to reap this freaky-assed harvest or you’re not.”


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5 comments:

  1. Hilarious! I'll never look at the decorative gourds in WallyWorld the same...

    The MPOTD - best caption, EVER.

    ReplyDelete
  2. This is my favorite McSweeney's of all time. It's fall, fuckfaces! Let's get all Martha Stewart-y up in this bitch!

    ReplyDelete
  3. The first time I read this I cried laughing. Now I realize that it just gets funnier!

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  4. I like gourds...and gourd-heads. I know quite a few. :))

    ReplyDelete

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