Thursday, October 25, 2012

Quotes From The Delivery Room (Of The Day)

Tales from doctors, midwives, husbands and other people who were there. From this thread on Reddit.

My wife during labor: "THIS FUCKER BETTER BE WORTH IT!"

My sister said she told the doctor as he sutured her episiotomy, "Sew it up all the way, doc. We won't be using it anymore."

From the birth of my son:
WIFE: "(pant pant pant) I can smell poop, did I poop?"
ME: "No honey, everything looks fine, just relax"
WIFE: "UUuAAaagggGHhHh (pant pant pant) You're a terrible fucking liar! Why can't you lie better?!"

My ex-wife looked down and said "I'm having a puppy"

Another mother, after delivering a little boy, said "No, that's wrong. Check again! It's supposed to be a girl. There's been a mistake."

ME: You're doing great, honey.

While going through an extrememly long and strenous labor with my brother, my mom told the doctor to "burn all the Elvis records."

My dad was holding my mom's hand, spouting off random comfort. She looked him dead in the eye, face red and eyes bulging, and said: "Don't. Fucking. Tell me. WHAT. TO. DO."

My wife said "Yay! BBQ tonight!" when she delivered the placenta.

When the doctor told me to start pushing, apparently I said (I don't remember this), "No! I changed my mind! I'm not doing this!"

Wife was in labor for 8 hours. About 5 hours into it I ask her "Do you want anything from the lounge?" Normal question. Had been bringing stuff for her, ice chips and that. She looks at me in the middle of a contraction and snarls "Talk to me again and I will FUCKING KILL YOU WHERE YOU STAND..."

My wife during a grueling labor: "THE NEXT ONE IS COMING OUT OF YOUR DICK!

When I had given birth to my daughter, just as she was put on my stomach, I look down at her and I said. "Is that mine?"

My son was not cooperating and the doctor had to turn him. So I'm laying there while the doctor reaches up in me and what came to mind came out of my mouth: "I have officially decided that I do NOT want to try fisting."

Me, during a particularly painful contraction: "I am a Klingggggggonnnnnnn! Aaaagh!!!"

I was a friend's 'labour coach' and during one contraction she grabbed her husbands testicles and squeezed the ever loving FUCK out of them! The Doctor and I had to pry her vice-like gripped fingers from his bruised nutsack.

When my mum was giving birth to my sister, after several hours of pushing, she screamed at the doctor to 'PUT A GUN UP THERE AND SHOOT IT.'

When my mum gave birth to me, she wasn't allowed to eat anything and was in labour for 22 hours. For the last bit when she was actually giving birth, they said she kept screaming "I WANT A CHEESE PIE!"

I used laughing gas and during a contraction accidentally pinned my arm under me pressing the mask onto my face, I breathed in too much and my husband said I looked like cookie monster screaming "too ...much... gas!"

Apparently before going into labor my mother watched The Fly. After days of trying she finally got me out (sunny side up and with only two vessels in my cord) and the first thing she said when she held me was, " Oh God it's a maggot." They had wrapped me in a white blanket and I guess I was pretty squirmy.

"CAN SOMEONE SHUT THAT WOMAN UP?!" I yelled this at my doctor after getting very annoyed at the woman across the hall, who was also in labor screaming.

Anyone else have a good delivery room story?


  1. With my firstborn, I said something similar to one of those in your list above. I do remember saying it, though.

    It took 18 hours of labor for my son to be born. Along about the 15 hour or so, I said to my husband, "I've changed my mind. I don't want to have a baby. Will you take me home please."

    Obviously the pain was keeping me from thinking clearly. :D

  2. I always want to go home during transition. That's how we know I'm almost done, because I start saying, "I don't want to do this, I want to go home. I'll come back another time. This was a bad idea..." etc.

    When they put my second daughter on my chest I looked at her and said, "She's purple and covered with mayonnaise!" Nice first words, Mom. Sheesh.

    These made me laugh - going to read the rest at Reddit....

  3. That was so hilarious!

    When my son was born, the cord was partially around his neck, so he was a little blue. The Dr. laid him across my tummy and then he got very quiet, the Dr. leaned over to look at him and he peed....just missing the Dr.'s face.

    It was hilarious! but it hurt so much to laugh!

  4. Sorry I missed out on this hilariousness. It seems like so much fun! Then you have to take care of the thing for the rest of your life. Cool!

  5. Don't ever tell one O.B. nurse that she's much gentler (with the internal exams) than the other nurse. Nurses tell each other and they get even!! The nasty/rough nurse came in a bit later and told me my doctor expected me to go thru the process without me making any noise. Believe it or not, I did. Every time I even started to moan, she would bend over me and whisper, "remember what I told you, NO noise!" She's lucky it's young, green, easily intimidated women that have babies. If that happened to me now, God help that rough nurse!! I do remember the doctor humming "Born Free" after the birth of my son and telling me that I had such an easy time I should have 12 kids. I'm sure that my making no noise was his reason for saying that.

  6. "Just put a gun up there and SHOOT IT!" I am laughing so hard! Yes, there are tears.

  7. My friend had to be put under general anesthesia for her emergency C-section after the regional third shot didn't work. When the doctor woke her up, she was so confused she told him: "Wait, honey. Give me five more minutes and I'll prepare your juice."

  8. My mom just happened to go into labor with me at the same time her St. Bernard, Rosalee, went into labor with her pups. She was quite anxious and kept asking about her throughout labor. As was customary at the time, they gave her twilight sleep so she didn't remember anything about the delivery -- or me. My dad didn't know this, and when he came in to see her, she asked, "What did we have?" Dad proudly stated, "Four girls and four boys!" My mom fainted.

  9. Vaginal delivery #1, with pain meds: I requested a mirror when it was getting close to time to push him out. Upon seeing my swollen nether regions, I exclaimed, "Oh, my God! It looks like purple bratwurst!!!"

    Vaginal Delivery #2, TWINS, no pain meds: I begged my husband and my Dr. to "please, please, just put me down". (I am assuming l wanted to he out down ike an
    animal??). After baby #1 was out and the pain temporarily subsided and The Dr. Said we had to wait for a contraction, I screamed, "You said you could just go up there and get the 2nd one out! Get him out!!"

  10. Childbirth is reasons #1-36 why I'm glad I was born a dude.

    According to my dad my mom cursed out a very nice, very old doctor so badly a sailor with tourettes would've blushed.

    If dad's telling the truth, the doctor was absolutely unfazed and told my dad he's heard worse.

    When I was old enough my mom confessed and said at one point the kindly doctor asked her to push and she told him to go f**k himself with a chainsaw.

  11. With my first born I had been told repeatedly that she would be an average weight baby. I kept telling the doctor and the ultrasounds techs that no she wasn't, she was much bigger. I was right, she was 10lbs 21 inches, and they were not quite prepared. When they announced her weight, I launched myself forward, grabbed t he doctor by the collar and screamed "I TOLD YOU SO!" in is face.

    1. Well at least you kept it "above the waist" so I guess you should be commended for your restraint.

  12. THIS: My son was not cooperating and the doctor had to turn him. So I'm laying there while the doctor reaches up in me and what came to mind came out of my mouth: "I have officially decided that I do NOT want to try fisting."

  13. I remember deciding at one point during the birth of each of my two kids, quite rationally and after much thought, that I just wanted to go home for a bit. A short break, get some lunch, etc. I even promised I would come back and finish later. Made sense to me at the time.

  14. I had Andre Williams playing in the delivery room and the head midwife came in and heard it and said "Oh no wonder you're screaming in pain!" I turned to my husband and said "Get her out and if she comes back in I will kill her." You don't knock the musical tastes of a woman in the second stage of labour!!

  15. Some things I'm glad I missed :)

  16. When we hit hour 27 I asked for an exorcist - I was good & done. I also remember complaining about the doctor having hands the size of 'catcher's mitts'.

    My brother in law (a minister) kept quoting the verse "I can do all things through Christ" over & over to my sister in law. At some point she grabbed him by the hair & yelled "Yeah? Well Jesus never had a baby!"

  17. After a harrowing pregnancy and after delivering a tiny 31 week preemie.. I only had to push three times. I recall asking my mom "Do I get to join the club?".. I was referring to the club of women with hard labor stories like the ones above.

  18. Hubby loved to say, "Mmmmmm, haggis!" when I would deliver the placenta. He made one nurse retch and scurry from the room. Good times. :D



Related Posts with Thumbnails