From The Onion.
Insurance Company Celebrates 50 Billionth Fucking Over Of Customer
CANTON, OH—Overjoyed Cigna executives celebrated the health insurer’s 50 billionth fucking over of a customer Thursday, personally surprising 56-year-old spinal trauma victim Clyde Gershon with champagne, confetti, and hundreds of multicolored balloons as they denied his most recent disability claim.
The wheelchair-bound Gershon, who has required an expensive regimen of pills and physical therapy since a 2010 car crash, was greeted at his front door by cheering, party-hat-wearing members of Cigna’s senior management, who posed for pictures while presenting him with an oversized cardboard “Claim Denied!” letter explaining that he was judged fit to return to work and would lose all coverage at the end of the month.
“We did it! We’ve completely and utterly fucked over a customer for the 50 billionth time," exclaimed CEO David Cordani, drawing a vibrant round of applause as Gershon, gaunt and dejected, stared blankly off into the distance.
“Ruining this many lives is an accomplishment no one ever could have dreamed of back in 1982 when Cigna was founded. And today, I can proudly say we have not only achieved it, but inflicted an incalculable amount of mental anguish along the way.”
According to sources, Cigna has been preparing to commemorate the 50-billion milestone since late April, when its “Big Board”—an electronic ticker counting the number of customers the company has savagely fucked over—passed 49,500,000,000 after the insurer postponed coverage of an unemployed father’s kidney transplant for the fourth time, forcing his family to accumulate mounds and mounds of debt to pay for dialysis.
Excitement continued to grow throughout the summer as eager employees began refusing claims for procedures the company had previously covered by saying that they “hadn’t been coded right,” which accelerated its march towards 50 billion by an additional 200,000 fucking-overs per day.
“In my 13 years helping this company prevent sick people from getting the health care they need, there has never been a more exciting—or lucrative—time to work here,” said Cigna’s executive vice president Mark Boxer, celebrating at the office with the national accounts team, which took turns swinging at a cancer-patient shaped piñata.
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