Thursday, September 27, 2012

10 Worst Animal Evolutionary Designs

Who says Darwin had no sense of humor?

From Siress Yorkie and Wired.

SEA MAMMAL BLOWHOLE

 
Any animal that spends appreciable time in the ocean should be able to extract oxygen from water via gills. Enlarging the lungs and moving a nostril to the back of the head is a poor work-around.

HYENA CLITORIS

 
When engorged, this "pseudopenis," which doubles as the birth canal, becomes so hard it can crush babies to death during exit.

KANGAROO TEAT

 
In order to nurse, the just-born joey, a frail and squishy jellybean, must clamber up Mom's torso and into her pouch for a nipple.

GIRAFFE BIRTH CANAL

 
Mama giraffes stand up while giving birth, so baby's entry into the world is a 5-foot drop. Wheeee! Crack.

GOLIATH BIRD-EATING SPIDER EXOSKELETON
This giant spider can climb trees to hunt very mobile prey. Yet it has a shell so fragile it practically explodes when it falls? Well, at least it can produce silk to make a sail. Oh, wait — it can't!

SHARK FETUS TEETH

 
A few shark species have live births (instead of laying eggs). The Jaws juniors grow teeth in the womb. The first sibling or two to mature sometimes eat their siblings in utero. Mmm ... siblings.

HUMAN STOMACH

 
People can digest a lot — except for cellulose, the primary component of plant matter. Why don't we have commensal bacteria in our guts to do it? They're busy helping termites.

SLUG GENITALIA

 
Some hermaphroditic species breed by wrapping their sex organs around each other. If one of said members gets stuck, the slug simply chews it off. What. The. Hell?

QUADRUPEDS

 
Let's say you're a four-footed animal. Now let's say you get a wound on your back, or an itch, or a bug wandering up there. Tough luck, kid. You probably can't do much about it. Hope there's a low branch around.

NARWHAL TUSK

 
The unicorn-like protuberance on a male narwhal's head is actually a tooth that erupts through the front of the jaw and keeps on growing, up to 9 feet. Narwhal: "Doc, I have a toothache." Dentist: "No shit."

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Invention Of The Day: Ostrich Pillow

You won't be able to sleep over the laughter. From Chris Carey and MailOnline.


That's a new way to catch 40 winks! Bizarre invention means people can nap anywhere - but it means wearing a 'pillow balaclava'

Most of us have nodded off on the early morning train to work.

But whereas it would normally mean waking up with a stiff neck, a bizarre invention means people can now comfortably nap anywhere they like - whether it's at a desk, an airport or on a train.

But don't count on being able to catch a sneaky 40 winks during a long business meeting, because the Ostrich Pillow means pulling on what looks like a padded balaclava.
 

Ali Ganjavian dreamt up The Ostrich Pillow, a cross between a luxury pillow and a balaclava which wearers can rest their head and hands inside. Ganjavian hopes his quirky idea will revolutionise the powernap and prove to be a worldwide hit.

He says: "We spend many hours working all day and sleep is an essential part of our day.  So I thought why not create a product that can help us unwind at work?"



"IT'S A NAP!" - Admiral Ackbar

Story continues here.

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Rich Cats Of Instagram (Of The Day)

Another reason to hate them. Not that I do, but this isn't helping. From the blog.


















More at Rich Cats Of Instagram.
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10 (Alleged) Celebrity Crackheads Of The Day

Crack is whack. Ergo, whack is crack. Half the people on this (2010) list are dead now, so I think we can drop this "alleged" business.

From The Frisky.

LINDSAY LOHAN
 

We suspected that poor Lilo had a major problem … aside from her poor clothing choices and crazy Tweets. But then a video surfaced allegedly showing her snorting crack with friends in a club bathroom.

THE FAT BALDWIN 


While Alec Baldwin was on “30 Rock,” his brother Daniel Baldwin was on crack rock. A couple of years ago, he admitted that he was a straight-up addict.

OKRAH? WTF? 


The world was shocked when TV's queen of nice admitted that she had smoked crack cocaine in her 20s with a boyfriend. Her ex, Randolph Cook, confirmed the story.

COURTNEY LOVE
(ya think?!)

Courtney Love once said of meeting Coldplay’s Chris Martin, "The first time I met him I was on crack and I was an absolute a**hole and I kept saying, 'Aren't you in Travis?' to him. I was just so horrible to him and I can't believe that he was so nice to me."


(See the rest at The Frisky)

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Monday, September 24, 2012

25 Great Local News Interviewee Descriptions Of The Day

The only reason to watch local news. Thanks for the link, Melanie H.
 
















See the rest here.

News: Man Busted For Curbside Sex With Old Couch

Damn. And I thought I was desperate. At first glance I thought the headline read, "Old Cooch."

From The Smoking Gun.



Man Busted For Curbside Sex With Old Couch

SEPTEMBER 24--A Wisconsin man has been accused of having sex with an abandoned couch, police report.

The human-furniture coupling was interrupted earlier this month when an off-duty cop out jogging late one night spotted Gerard Streator, 46, trysting with the yellow couch, which had been left at a Waukesha curb.

As detailed in a misdemeanor criminal complaint charging Streator with lewd and lascivious behavior, Officer Ryan Edwards reported seeing “a subject leaning over the couch facing down and it looked like he was having sexual relations with someone on the couch.” The cop noted that he “could see the male’s hips thrusting up and down on the couch."

As he approached the couch, Edwards yelled, “What are you doing?” Streator, investigators allege, responded by jumping up and running away. As Streator fled, Edwards reported, he “could see that the defendant’s penis was erect.”

Edwards concluded that Streator “had been thrusting his pelvic area against the cushions and trying to sexually gratify himself by rubbing his penis between the two cushions.” It is unclear whether the reference to two cushions meant that the couch was, in fact, a love seat.

Edwards chased Streator to his apartment building, but the suspect “quickly pulled the door closed behind him.” He was arrested the following day at the hotel where he works.

Streator is scheduled to appear next Monday in Waukesha County Circuit Court. 

11 Freaky-Ass Burgers Of The Day

Nasty. Just looking at these made my stomach hurt. Or maybe it was the chili dog I had for breakfast.

From Neatorama.

NUTBURGER

For those who love burgers slathered in peanut butter, but wish there was a chunkier version than even the chunkiest of peanut butters could offer, you might just love the Nutburger from Matt’s Place in Butte, Montana. It’s essentially a regular hamburger covered in a topping made from nothing but chopped peanuts mixed with mayo. Author George Motz who wrote Hamburger America says it’s "like eating sundae topping on a burger… It's great!"

BEAN BURGER

No, not a patty made with beans, this is a Texas specialty that began at Sills Snack Shack in San Antonio all the way back in 1953. It features Cheez Wiz, onions, refried beans and crushed Fritos. While the original Snack Shack closed a while back, two nephews of its creator have reopened a food truck offering all of Sills’ famous specials, including the Bean Burger.

LUTHER BURGER

I’ve always heard this called a Krispy Kreme burger, but because it was supposedly a favorite of singer Luther Vandross, its most common name is the Luther Burger. The creation is said to have been invented at a bar named Mulligan’s in Decatur, Georgia when the chef ran out of buns and started using donuts instead. Whatever the origin, the name and no matter where you buy it, it always features a glazed donut with a hamburger patty in the middle.

1UP MUSHROOM BURGER

Feeling a little down? Well then get some life back in you with a 1UP Mushroom Burger, inspired by the Mario Bros. series. Simply dye your buns with food coloring and then add spots with mozzarella and you’ll be well on the way to feeling like your old plumber self again.

LASAGNA BURGER

Can’t decide between a cheeseburger or pasta? Then perhaps the lasagna burger will satisfy both of your cravings after all, it’s essentially an extremely meaty lasagna sandwiched inside of a roll. While Dude Foods doesn’t have a full recipe, they did include more than enough details to reconstruct this delicacy at home.


See the rest at Neatorama.

Friday, September 21, 2012

News: Egyptian Woman Wishes Screaming Protester Husband Would Go Bonkers For Her Once In A While

From The Onion.


Egyptian Woman Wishes Screaming Protester Husband Would Go Bonkers For Her Once In A While

CAIRO—Sighing dejectedly Thursday morning as she watched her screaming husband depart for yet another massive anti-American protest in Tahrir Square, local woman Samira Khalil told reporters that she wished the hysterical man would go completely and utterly berserk for her once in a while.

“Considering he spends all day unleashing a violent messianic fervor against our enemies, you’d think he could bring some of that same hysterical passion back to the bedroom sometimes,” said Khalil, adding that every time they’re about to get get hot and heavy in the sack, her husband’s mind wanders off to thoughts of jihad and fatwa.

“As soon as he hears about a depiction of Muhammad, or some other brazenly evil work of the infidel, there’s this smoldering gleam in his eyes. But he never looks at me like that anymore.”

Khalil added that when her husband returned home that night, she would try desecrating a Quran right in front of him to “get him all hot and bothered.”

Celebs Who Turned Down "Dancing With The Stars" (Of The Day)

Turns out some of them have a little dignity after all.

Kinda reminds me of the time I worked in cable TV and we wanted to license the song, "Burning Down The House," (the Tom Jones remake) as the theme for a crappy new reality series. When you license a cover, you have to get permission from (and pay big bucks to) both the cover artist and the original song composers. It took the lawyers a while to get in touch with Tom Jones, but when they did, he said sure, great, I'll take your 30K, old boy. We weren't quite so lucky with the Talking Heads--their answer was something to the effect of "Go fuck yourselves."

When he heard this, my witty friend Spinderfella said, "Damn those Talking Heads! How
dare they have artistic integrity?!"


Here are the people who politely told DWTS to shove it, and why they did (when known).

Jamie Lee Curtis - “My family commitments are such that I wouldn't have the time for it...but it definitely made me go, 'Hmmm.' It was fun to think about it."

Sylvester Stallone

Tim Allen

 
Chelsea Handler

Jennifer Beals - “You could back up a truck to my door filled with cash and I wouldn’t do it.” Having once attended a taping of the show to cheer on friend and former contestant Marlee Matlin, Beals was overwhelmed by the experience. “The noise level is so intense and people’s excitement level is so intense. I could never.” She even joked with Matlin, who is deaf, “You don’t know how lucky you are you can’t hear this.”

Betty White - probably doesn't want to fall and break her hip

Gayle King - despite being a fixture on the Oprah Winfrey Show, the 56-year-old O magazine editor-in-chief doesn’t mince words when it comes to her appearing on national television in her dancing shoes. “I think it's good to keep my public humiliation to a minimum. I would never want to embarrass my children ever...or myself! I can't dance.”

Subway pitchman Jared Fogel

Drew Carey

Kathy Griffin - she claimed to have fired her agent over the mere suggestion

Ann Coulter

Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg
 

Jon Gosselin

Dan Quayle - the former VP was in final negotiations when he got cold feet and dropped out.

Suzanne Somers

Condoleezza Rice


Erin Brockovich

Joel McHale

Virgin CEO Richard Branson


Reverend Al Sharpton - has been wooed by producers for many seasons, but he has never agreed to put on his dancing shoes. He says it’s not for lack of talent, though: “I’ve got moves...I’d blow ’em out! There would be no chance for anybody to touch me!”


And one star who wants to be on the show but can't get them to return her call:



"According to show's casting source, Melanie Griffith tries and fails to appear on 'DWTS' every year." (CBS News)

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