Monday, August 6, 2012

News Of The Day: Horrible Couple Really Wants Wedding To Reflect Their Insufferable Personalities

From The Onion.

Horrible Couple Really Wants Wedding To Reflect Their Personalities

CHICAGO—According to recently engaged and utterly smug shitheads Ross Bird and Jessica Black, the couple wants their upcoming nuptials to be not just a wedding, but also a true reflection of who they are as human beings.

“We want to throw out all the wedding conventions that don’t scream ‘Jess and Ross,’” the utterly contemptible Black said Thursday, adding that the couple’s “uniqueness” will be mirrored in every aspect of the ceremony.

“From the drinks served in mason jars, to the sparklers we’re handing out to everyone when it gets dark, this is going to be a wedding only we could have.”

“We want it to be a celebration of our love,” the unbearable woman continued. “But we also want it to be fun and quirky, just like us!”

The couple told reporters the insufferably precious ceremony will include readings from Walt Whitman’s Leaves Of Grass, a 10-minute silent meditation on each wedding guest’s own conception of love, and a forcibly lighthearted accordion wedding march expected to last for nearly 20 minutes.

And, as if an Instagram photo booth were an insufficient demonstration of the pair’s inveterate awfulness, the couple reportedly plans a build-your-own Vietnamese sandwich bar and a “summer-lovin’ casual” dress code.

“Jess and I both want the ceremony to feel more like a crazy, fun dance party with our friends than a stuffy wedding,” said Bird, apparently unaware of just how colossally irritating he comes off while he is speaking. “And we’re hiring an authentic Appalachian mountain music band for the reception, because I love Appalachian music, but get this: They’re going to play ’80s pop songs.”

“How awesome is that?” Bird actually had the nerve to ask. “It’s just so us, you know?”

(Continued here)


  1. ewwww...just ewwww....I hate people like this!

  2. Evil Twin and the MopeAugust 6, 2012 at 4:24 PM

    Well, we got invited, and I'm not happy about. Light a candle for us (in a mason jar) on September 8th, cause we'll be cycling from the ceremony to the venue.

  3. If they want it to be a wedding day only they can have, why don't they just elope and leave everyone else out of it. This post is almost too true to be funny. :-D

  4. This is from the Onion, but someone told me the couple is actually real. That can't be, can it?

    My wedding a couple weeks ago was at least as weird as this one, so I'm not in a position to judge. Loll.

  5. Hipster wedding. I smell an adorable flash mob a' brewin.

  6. It's like an episode of Bridezillas where the groom is as horrifying as the bride.

  7. I actually went to this wedding in March. They're still insufferable six months after.



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