Wednesday, August 15, 2012

News: Family Pet Eating Like Country Isn't In Goddamn Recession

From The Onion.


Family Pet Eating Like Country Isn't In Goddamn Recession

RICHMOND, IN—Apparently heedless of the dismal fiscal climate, local dog Digby is wolfing down kibble as though the United States isn't limping its way through a goddamn economic crisis, the pet's owners confirmed Thursday.

According to reports, the 5-year-old labrador appears callously unswayed by the constant stream of gloomy market forecasts and instead demands greater and greater supplies of dog food, to the point where he must think the Dow Jones industrial average is soaring through the fucking roof or something.

"We buy a huge bag of food at the Safeway every week, and Digby just gobbles it up and comes back for more, as if we're still living in the boom years of the late '90s," said the dog's owner, Lewis Chambers, complaining of the household pet's ravenous, fiscally irresponsible eating. 

"How anyone could be so gluttonous while we're seeing some of the worst economic indicators in generations is beyond me, but Digby just doesn't seem to care. Hell, he won't even eat regular dry food now unless the canned stuff is mixed in with it."

Attempts to understand the pet's colossal appetite and fiscal obliviousness have yielded few explanations. Says small animal veterinarian Dr. Janet Gardner, "Quite frankly, his behavior is abhorrent," said Gardner, who emphasized that Digby does nothing to provide for the Chambers family, subsisting entirely on free handouts. 

"This asshole's chowing down like he's in a pie-eating contest. Meanwhile, the nation's credit rating has been downgraded for the first time in history, and everyone's fucking job is moving overseas."


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2 comments:

  1. "ravenous, fiscally irresponsible eating" :-D

    My dog is like that too, but my son is the one who amazes me at how much he is able to eat and not gain a pound. He's been working at a factory job this summer, and I can't believe how much food he packs for his lunch some days!

    ReplyDelete
  2. I bet this freeloader doesn't even do tricks! He's no Tiger... all's I'm sayin'.

    ReplyDelete

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