Wednesday, August 1, 2012

News: Dying Lion Doesn't Feel As Though He's Completing Some Great Cosmic Circle

From The Onion.

Dying Lion Sure Doesn't Feel As Though He's Completing Some Great Cosmic Circle

July 30, 2012 | ISSUE 48•31

THE SERENGETI—According to a male lion currently dying on the Serengeti Plain, his agonizing demise certainly doesn't seem as though it's part of some transcendent cosmic circle of life, but rather as if he’s slowly and painfully bleeding to death.

The expiring lion, who dragged his weakened body onto an isolated patch of grassland Monday after being mortally wounded by a poacher, confirmed to reporters that he is not experiencing a tranquil, satisfying sense of harmony with the universe, but is instead mainly feeling intense physical torment brought on by a fatal wound to the abdomen.

"I could be wrong, and maybe this is all an enchanting and noble chapter in life's great cosmic narrative, but right now it pretty much just feels like I'm dying alone on the ground in a puddle of my own blood," said the 500-pound big cat, releasing a deep moan as violent spasms seized his body.

"Shouldn't I be feeling a stirring sensation of kinship with all living creatures or something? Yeah, I'm not getting any of that."

The lion also reported that he has heard no triumphant string music backed by thundering tribal drums swelling all around him, but rather only the sound of flies buzzing around his soon-to-be lifeless body.

(Story continues here)


  1. I guess he's not into that whole "hakuna matata" thing either. Poor lion. Ha! :D

  2. Poor guy. You'd at least think he'd hear Elton John or something.

  3. This made me spit coffee. I love it!



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