Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Craigslist Ad Of The Day: Satanic Sexual Ritual

best of craigslist > santa barbara >

Satanic Sexual Ritual

Date: 2009-06-18, 5:13PM PDT

Looking for a woman with evil appetites.

We will have nasty, evil, sweaty, probably illegal sexual encounters in order to bring about the rise of Lucifer. (ie Satan)

Must be willing to do all styles of sexual positions, except Missionary. That is the Lord's Way, and we will have none of that. Besides, if we do it Missionary, Satan gets angry and a kitten dies. I like kittens.

Must be into anal. For that is Satan's Alley.

Must like blow jobs (Swallowing Lucifer's Gravy) and Hand Jobs (Milking the Evil Goat)

Must be into slight S&M (Safe word: Pink Sock)

Must be into erotic and evil costumes and lingerie. Leather Thongs, spikes, boots, black and evil bras that accentuate your bosom, Boba Fett costumes.

Must be willing to deep throat. (So that my satanic appendage will be closer to your black soul)

Must be into strap-ons so that I may feel the "Power of Beezlebub" coursing thru my lower intestines.

The perfect encounter will be this:

Meeting you at one of our local eatery's. Plying you with ample alcoholic libations. Enjoying a nice piece of animal flesh. Tipping the waiter only 10% instead of 15 to 20% (Because we are EVIL!)

Taking you back to my lair. Removing your Gothic Garb, laying you roughly upon my "Sacrifice Altar" (Twin size futon), and promptly begin to nibble on your Satanic Slit. (Please shave before the ritual, as it's hard to be evil when you got pubes stuck in your fillings).

Whence you are all moist with the Power of The Dark Lord's Juices, I will remove my cape and trousers and proceed to fill you with the Sceptre of His Infernal Majesty. You will writhe in pleasure so deep, it will call forth the Evil One himself!

After 4 to 7 minutes of the most intense sexual experience of your God Fearing life, we will perform a Satanic Snuggle, until you gently fall asleep in my powerful arms.

If this taps into the Primordial Jelly you have buried deep down in your Dark Soul, then contact me and we will make beautiful, agonizing "love" together. 



  1. I was totes on board until he said "futon." I am so sure!

  2. No thanks. Not interested. He used the word "eatery's" where he should have used "eateries." He also used the words "moist" and "trousers." He is obviously not my type.

  3. Daisy - HA! Totally agree about the use of "moist" and "trousers". If he'd used "blouse" or "panties" as well, I'd have had to track him down and smack him with a stick.

    I'm now going to be wondering if he actually got any takers on that scintillating ad ;).

  4. I like his evilness. Except the anal, of course.

  5. "After 4 to 7 minutes of the most intense sexual experience of your God Fearing life"

    What is this guy, Superman?

  6. Thank you Cary! I was depressed after reading about the toddler fight club, and now I am smiling again! This ad reads exactly like something my high school chemistry partner would write. At our last high school reunion he came dressed in his "work" clothes - and his "work" is "Dungeon Master." His Prius also has a bumper sticker that says "Do it in the butt, it p*sses off conservatives."



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