Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Goofy Sex Tips For Men (Of The Day)

From Jezebel: "We recently took a break from our regularly scheduled mockery to focus our taunting on Cosmopolitan magazine and some of the less...astute sex advice they've offered us over the years. It was a romp. We painted our breasts; we sexted; and we even slapped a couple dicks — and not too gently!"

"If you're out in public but want to make your intentions clear, slowly and firmly flick your tongue against the palm of her hand. If she just wipes it off down her skirt, you've blown it."

"According to new research, the smell of toast is a serious mood booster."

"Hold her gaze for a minute. If she's blinking more than normal (which is about 15 times a minute), there's a good chance she's on the Pill; women on birth control blink 32 percent more than those who aren't."

"Remember that chores around the house count as foreplay... when you do them, that is."

"After your workout, reinforce her rising T with a sweaty makeout session: male saliva has 10 to 15 times more testosterone than the female's does… So prolonged French kissing may give a woman enough of a boost in testosterone to stimulate her interest chemically."

"Pop your chap in a jar of Nutella, then present it to your lady. Be rewarded with a very enthusiastic blowjob."

"Adding a touch of danger to the day will stimulate dopamine in her brain, triggering her sex drive."

"Buy a half-inch camel-hair paintbrush at the art-supply store, dip it in chocolate sauce, and have her paint numbers on her body. Find your way in order by using your fingertips and mouth."

"Women need to warm up their feet and feel comfortable before they're in the mood for sex, a 2003 European study found." To warm up her trotters, you could ask her to "stretch one leg out to work on your johnson with her toes."

"Take a pearl necklace and '…lightly lubricate the pearls and your penis. Have your partner wrap the pearls around the shaft and slowly stroke up and down with a gentle rotation'."

Want to turn her on? "Rent private fighter jets and fly them."

"Hire a violinist to follow you and your woman around on the street."

"Cruise over to Craigslist's 'Casual Encounters' section and click on 'w4m' (perv-speak for 'women seeking men') to find headlines like 'I need a little slap and tickle.' All you have to do is respond."

Read more at Jezebel.


  1. Having a violinist follow us around would totally creep me out. Unless he had some toast. Then my panties would fall off.

    I've heard of the pearl necklace trick before. I have a 5 foot strand of pearls. If I can find a guy that I can wrap the whole thing around . . . well, I'll keep him to myself.

  2. So, the guy I was discussing with the other day is on the pill?

  3. I thought the smell of toast meant you were about to have a stroke. And I do agree with the chores being foreplay... at least it'd work for me.

  4. LOL @ Karen! Hey, that's my How Not To Have Sex Ever Again List. Except for maybe the chores. And no, it doesn't count as foreplay, but NOT doing them greatly increases the chance of ending up on the aforementioned List.

  5. I do rather enjoy being lightly spanked with a wad of hundred dollar bills...

  6. She might like your dick dipped in nutella.... but what about the rest of the people in the house who eat it?... Mmmmmm dick-flavoured.......

    (And licking someone's palm is kinda gross... what if they haven't washed their hands after going to the loo?)

  7. Nothing says sexy like a cold bare foot poking around your nuts.

  8. Yeah, nothing would shut me down faster than some idiot licking my hand. In fact, most of these things make me want to sew my legs together.

  9. The Nutella one made me want to throw up, and I like doing ... that... when there's no Nutella involved.

    OMG posting this anonymously...



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