Thursday, July 26, 2012

9 Household Objects You Can Eat To Stay Alive

Can. Don't go eating your shoes if you don't have to. From Survival Goods.

HOUSE PLANTS


The lowly house plant, that oft neglected outpost of nature’s kingdom, can usually be found in even the grimmest of human habitations. The most common house plant in the western world is the Yucca, a fortunate occurrence as its root is a Central American delicacy. It can be cooked like a potato, made into porridge and is the main constituent of tapioca pudding. Although the leaves are composed mainly of cellulose, and thus inedible, they can be used to give your meal flair enough to rival the dinner of a Sheik.

LEATHER


As you might suspect Leather, given its animal origins, is indeed edible. If your accommodation possesses that hallmark of elegance, the three piece leather suite, then fear not the cold hand of starvation. Although you can technically bite straight into that hide and start munching away we recommend you deep fry your leather, it’ll produce something akin to everyone’s favorite Friday night snack: Pork Scratchings.

TOOTHPASTE


Toothpaste is ration of choice for the earth bound cosmonaut. With its bright color, powerful taste and glue like consistency it is the closest thing we have to a future food, steak pills and three course chewing gum having failed to arrive. The consumption of large amounts of toothpaste is, due to high levels of Sorbitol (laxative), Sodium lauryl sulfate (soap foam) and fluoride, very dangerous and should not be attempted by anyone. It can be used, in pea sized amounts, as minty condiment or after dinner treat.

SOAP


Currently most soap is manufactured using vegetable oils, subsequently if it is ingested it will provide a small amount of nutrition. There is a small chance that, if that warder of your camp aims for refinement, you’ll find some soap that has been manufactured from animal fat. ‘Kidney suet’, fat taken from around the kidneys of the cow is supposed to produce the finest soap; although we are unsure as to weather it provided the finest taste. Soap, when consumed in large amounts, has laxative effects

CARDBOARD/PAPER/TISSUE


All three items in this family are formed of the same universally useful material, cellulose. Depending on the robustness of your digestive system you may be able to break down these fibers and extract some nutrition. Three Chinese coal miners trapped underground survived five days by eating the boxes that had been used to deliver their dynamite. Rather than eating your paper product alone they should be used as a starchy side to accompany your Yucca root and Leather main. Serve drenched with lashings of oven grease and toothpaste sauce.


See the rest here.
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5 comments:

  1. Well, gee, I don't feel very hungry after reading that list, but it's good to know if things get desperate. :D

    Washing yourself with the fat taken from around the kidneys of the cow doesn't sound so great either. haha!

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  2. Good to know since there's nothing to eat in this house. I'd rather eat my ficus than go to the grocery store sometimes.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Well I'd surely die. I recycle everything, compost everything else, and make my own shampoo, conditioner, soap, dish detergent, laundry detergent, and toothpaste.

    Maybe I can eat my really healthy compost dirt. Or perhaps my ingredients for all my homemade household products (mostly consisting of vinegar, baking soda, and coconut oil). Actually, I think my homemade household products would help me survive longer and are healthier for me than the store bought stuff! Ahahah!

    ems :)

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  4. What's the nutritional value of semen?

    ReplyDelete

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