Wednesday, May 2, 2012

You Look Like You Could Use Someone To Talk To On This 5-Hour Bus Ride

From The Onion.


You Look Like You Could Use Someone To Talk To On This 5-Hour Bus Ride  

by Craig Severance
Jan. 24, 2007

Do you mind if I move your coat? This happens to be my third-favorite seat on the bus. Numbers one and two are already taken.

Those are some nice headphones you got there. I used to have some just like that. They weren't very comfortable, at least for me. The nuns always used to tell me that I had small ears. And you know what that means: small ear holes. Right? Aren't they? See? Anyway, I lost those headphones with my iPod. Yeah, it was last November. October? No, I was right. November. Damn thing must have fallen out of my pocket on my way to the can. Yet again. I looked all over, but some jerk must have kyped it. I like to think that most people are honest, but sometimes your instincts are just off. Not you, though. I can tell you're one of the good guys. Know what I'm saying? On the right team. I have a sense about these things.

You have a great bone structure.

Are you doing a Sudoku? I've done a few of those. They take too much concentration. You need your full facilities to work on them, and it's just so hard to concentrate on a bus. The vibrating, the kid behind you kicking your seat, the stuffiness. Man! I don't know how you can read that big book of yours, let alone do a Sudoku.

That one right there is four.

Want a pickle? Oh. Spilled my pickles all over my bag here. You see, I'm on this diet, and I can only eat pickled goods and seafood, but that is gonna be a tough smell to get out. What an idiot! If it weren't for bad luck, I'd have no luck at all.

Say, you like gambling? I love to gamble. Blackjack's my game. I got a system that...

(continued here)

2 comments:

  1. HA! This sort of reminds me of John Candy's character in "Planes, Trains, and Automobiles."

    "That one right there is four." That was my favorite line. :D

    ReplyDelete
  2. Yep. I'm a magnet for those people. If you want to start capturing them, just use me as bait and you'll have a van load in no time.

    ReplyDelete

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