Wednesday, May 2, 2012

You Look Like You Could Use Someone To Talk To On This 5-Hour Bus Ride

From The Onion.

You Look Like You Could Use Someone To Talk To On This 5-Hour Bus Ride  

by Craig Severance
Jan. 24, 2007

Do you mind if I move your coat? This happens to be my third-favorite seat on the bus. Numbers one and two are already taken.

Those are some nice headphones you got there. I used to have some just like that. They weren't very comfortable, at least for me. The nuns always used to tell me that I had small ears. And you know what that means: small ear holes. Right? Aren't they? See? Anyway, I lost those headphones with my iPod. Yeah, it was last November. October? No, I was right. November. Damn thing must have fallen out of my pocket on my way to the can. Yet again. I looked all over, but some jerk must have kyped it. I like to think that most people are honest, but sometimes your instincts are just off. Not you, though. I can tell you're one of the good guys. Know what I'm saying? On the right team. I have a sense about these things.

You have a great bone structure.

Are you doing a Sudoku? I've done a few of those. They take too much concentration. You need your full facilities to work on them, and it's just so hard to concentrate on a bus. The vibrating, the kid behind you kicking your seat, the stuffiness. Man! I don't know how you can read that big book of yours, let alone do a Sudoku.

That one right there is four.

Want a pickle? Oh. Spilled my pickles all over my bag here. You see, I'm on this diet, and I can only eat pickled goods and seafood, but that is gonna be a tough smell to get out. What an idiot! If it weren't for bad luck, I'd have no luck at all.

Say, you like gambling? I love to gamble. Blackjack's my game. I got a system that...

(continued here)


  1. HA! This sort of reminds me of John Candy's character in "Planes, Trains, and Automobiles."

    "That one right there is four." That was my favorite line. :D

  2. Yep. I'm a magnet for those people. If you want to start capturing them, just use me as bait and you'll have a van load in no time.



Related Posts with Thumbnails