Thursday, March 8, 2012

My Child's Top Six BS Excuses For Trying To Stay Home From School (Of The Day)

Nice try, kid. You used to fool me with these. Not anymore. I might be slow but I'm not stupid.

Listed in order of popularity. When one doesn't work, she moves to the next one.

1. "My tummy hurts."

My reply: "I'll give you some Pepto-Bismol before you leave." She hates Pepto-Bismol.

2. "Actually, my head hurts worse."

Me: "I'll give you an Alka-Seltzer for your head and your tummy before you leave." She hates Alka-Seltzer.

3. "I'm really sleepy."

Me: "Fine, bedtime tonight at 7. Now get ready for school."

4. "Can I go in late? We don't really do anything important until after lunch."

Me: "Great, you can sleep in class until lunch."

5. "Everyone in class has been sick. I think I caught it."

Me: "Good, we don't have to worry about you catching it anymore. Hurry up before you miss the bus."

6. "Didn't you ever stay home from school sick?"

Me: "No. Never. I never stayed home. I could be coughing. I could be vomiting. I could have a fever of 257. My parents made me go to school. I could have the mumps or measles or a thousand hornet stings on my face. I went to school anyway. I could have walking pneumonia. I could have the boogie-woogie flu. I could be on fire. I went to school. I could have diarrhea and my mom would say, 'Better walk fast!' Blood could be squirting from my eye sockets and my dad would hand me a tissue and say 'Don't get any blood on your new school pants.' If I got my arm cut off they would hit me in the head with it and say 'Quit your whining!' then stuff it in my backpack and give me a Band-Aid on my way out the door. In twelve years of school I only had one absence and that one was only because I was trapped in a mine. I went to school, and so are you."

At that point she usually realizes she is beaten and starts getting dressed.


  1. You should teach a Get Your Child's Ass To School class! #s 4 and 6 nearly killed me!

  2. Hahaha! I think she's met her match! :-D

  3. Perhaps, Daisy, but I will admit that I have fallen for her ruses far too many times in the past. There was a time when she never wanted to miss school, so if she claimed sickness, we knew it was genuine. That changed around third or fourth grade when school started to get more intense.

  4. Please Cary, tell us what your response to "I have cramps" is. I need a good comeback for that one. I usually just say take a damn pill and get your ass out the door.

    Prairie Girl

  5. We aren't there yet, PG. When we get there, her mother will be handling that one.

  6. Outstanding list! You'd think they'd come up with new stuff.

    My daughter's latest (she's 14) include the following:
    "I can't go to school. They are trying to turn me into a Republican."

    "I can't go to school today. The zombie apocalypse is coming and my favorite jeans are dirty."

    "Mom, if I have to listen to show tunes in the hallway one more day I'm gonna DIE!" (she goes to a performing arts school)

    Prairie Girl: When I get that excuse, I say, "Here's a midol, a hot water bottle, my Alanis Morissette CD, and a bar of chocolate. Get in the car."

  7. Cary, I'm not very good at being tough about this, so I know what you mean.

    I'm actually pretty laid back on this particular issue. I have on more than one occasion allowed both of my boys to take what I would call "mental health" days.

    They know they are responsible for getting their work caught up if they do miss a day of school, so it really isn't a problem if every once in a while they just need to take a break and take a day off.

    They know I won't allow it to happen often, and they know they have to keep their grades up.

    Sounds like your folks were pretty strict. I'm glad you were able to escape from the mine by the way. :D

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  9. Is this Samuel L. Jackson's next project?

    The follow up to "Go the F*ck to Sleep" will be "Get Your Ass Out of Bed and Go To F*cking School."

  10. I can't wait 'til my 2 y.o. is school age - we already told her Disneyland is in another state (we live in L.A.) She's already started with the "my tummy hurts" crap. Maybe I should look into a performing arts magnet for her...

  11. I sent my daughter to school with a (what I thought was fake) tummy ache one morning. She threw up all over herself and her seatmate on the bus. I felt bad.

  12. My favorite comeback of the moment is "If you stay home, we're going to the doc so we can get a note. They will probably give you the strep test.." (The one where they scrape the back of your throat.) They hate that test!

  13. I think I was driving your daughter's bus Marta!! Guess who gets to clean up the bus. hahaha

  14. I work as a dispatcher, and you would not believe the number of parents who call us to send them a deputy or police officer because their child won't get out of bed and go to school. I shit you not.

  15. I couldn't possibly have been that obvious when I was a kid.

    . . . could I?

  16. Hey, I hear these excuses a few times a week....from my own mouth, and from the other teachers in the lounge :)



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