Thursday, March 8, 2012
My Child's Top Six BS Excuses For Trying To Stay Home From School (Of The Day)
Nice try, kid. You used to fool me with these. Not anymore. I might be slow but I'm not stupid.
Listed in order of popularity. When one doesn't work, she moves to the next one.
1. "My tummy hurts."
My reply: "I'll give you some Pepto-Bismol before you leave." She hates Pepto-Bismol.
2. "Actually, my head hurts worse."
Me: "I'll give you an Alka-Seltzer for your head and your tummy before you leave." She hates Alka-Seltzer.
3. "I'm really sleepy."
Me: "Fine, bedtime tonight at 7. Now get ready for school."
4. "Can I go in late? We don't really do anything important until after lunch."
Me: "Great, you can sleep in class until lunch."
5. "Everyone in class has been sick. I think I caught it."
Me: "Good, we don't have to worry about you catching it anymore. Hurry up before you miss the bus."
6. "Didn't you ever stay home from school sick?"
Me: "No. Never. I never stayed home. I could be coughing. I could be vomiting. I could have a fever of 257. My parents made me go to school. I could have the mumps or measles or a thousand hornet stings on my face. I went to school anyway. I could have walking pneumonia. I could have the boogie-woogie flu. I could be on fire. I went to school. I could have diarrhea and my mom would say, 'Better walk fast!' Blood could be squirting from my eye sockets and my dad would hand me a tissue and say 'Don't get any blood on your new school pants.' If I got my arm cut off they would hit me in the head with it and say 'Quit your whining!' then stuff it in my backpack and give me a Band-Aid on my way out the door. In twelve years of school I only had one absence and that one was only because I was trapped in a mine. I went to school, and so are you."
At that point she usually realizes she is beaten and starts getting dressed.