From The Borowitz Report.
A Letter from Bank of America
NEW YORK – The following letter was sent today by Bank of America to all of its debit card customers:
Dear Valued Customer:
As most of you probably know by now, last month we instituted a $5 monthly fee for all of our debit card users. To say that what followed this decision was a shitstorm would be a massive understatement.
Considering that just three years earlier taxpayers had bailed us out with billions of their hard-earned dollars, it’s understandable that Bank of America was compared to a person who, as he is pulled from a burning building, turns and kicks the fireman in the nuts.
That’s why we are writing to you today with a simple message: “Our bad.”
And to tell you that we are refunding the $5 to you, effective immediately. All you have to do is pay a simple, one-time $10 refund fee.
You can receive your refund online, or pick it up at your nearest Bank of America branch, where a teller will hand the money directly to you for a simple, one-time $15 handling fee.
If you do visit your branch, feel free to use any of our services, including our state of the art ballpoint pens and deposit slips. (Prices on request.)
Again, accept our apologies for instituting the debit card fee. We have learned our lesson, and we make this solemn promise: next time we squeeze money from you, we'll do it in a way you won’t notice.
Bank of America
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
From The Borowitz Report.
Oh, how I love Letters Of Note, a site that brings us rare, candid correspondence from famous people like Arthur C. Clarke, James Dean, Laura (Mrs. Aldous) Huxley, Steve Martin, Mark Twain, Slash, David Bowie, Matt Stone and more.
Here's one from Conan O'Brien to a teenager who asked him to her prom.
A few more I liked. Click the link on each name to read the full pieces.
"You are an idiot of the 33rd degree, and scion of an ancestral procession of idiots stretching back to the Missing Link." - Mark Twain tells off a snake oil salesman as only Mark Twain could.
"Hang on, my love, and grow big and strong and take your hits and keep going." - Iggy Pop has a heart.
"After desperately trying to improve our situation for two months and having been met with bland smiles I told the guards just what I was going to do to them when the Russians came. They beat me up a little." - Kurt Vonnegut writes home after being rescued from a Nazi POW camp in 1945.
"My latest update, though, goes like this: I got married, I have two boys who I love more than anything in the world, and I'm a writer now, just like you." - Wil Wheaton writes a letter to the past.
"Okay, you lazy bitch, I'm getting tired of this waterhead fuckaround that you're doing with The Rum Diary." - Hunter S. Thompson doesn't care much for movie studios.
"Good drawing is more important than anything else in animation. More than ideas, style, stories. Everything starts with good drawing." - John Kricfalusi (Ren & Stimpy) not only answers a 14yo fanboy's letter, but gives him some quick lessons in illustration.
"In case anyone does not know who owns Tiger Oil Company, it is me, Edward Mike Davis. Do not let anyone think they are owner but me." - Hilariously angry missives from a perpetually pissed-off (former) CEO, The Tiger Oil Memos.
Many more at Letters Of Note. Go ahead and bookmark it now, because you'll be going back.